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Random Memories of Ciara Horan on Her 23rd Birthday
I was at my boring office job in New York City when someone in Sheep Village posted the name of Ciara’s brand new, much older boyfriend. Curious, I looked up his name on LinkedIn. Ten minutes later, I got a direct message. It was Ciara. “Why are you looking up my boyfriend’s name on LinkedIn?”
Every now and then I think about trying to write a book about Ciara, but then I realize no mainstream publishing company would allow it to be published the way I envision it. They would insist on including an introductory overview on teen drug addiction (yawn), a history of the egirl phenomenon and orbiting (eye roll), and a final chapter offering potential solutions for avoiding future Ciara-type tragedies (snooze). The only suitable written form of Ciara remembrance would be a self-published personal memoir. Or a list of random memories.
I anonymously sent Ciara a bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear for Valentine’s Day 2017. I had become increasingly mesmerized by her, and had just found her dox with her street address, which Guy Maimon had posted online. The message I sent with the flowers was: “DEAR CIARA, HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS TOUCHED ALL OF OUR HEARTS.... LOVE, EVERYBODY.”
Two days later, on February 16, 2017, under the heading “Flowers,” Ciara posted a blog entry that read: “Whoever sent me flowers, it was touching and kind, and I love the teddy bear. That was so sweet. Unfortunately, it’s scary for my family for you to send me random things to my address. Thank you though. Really.”
What I didn’t learn until much later—after Michael Sosa gave me access to the secret VIP Ciara channel in Waifu Fan Clubs (or maybe it was Sheep Village?)—was that, according to Ciara, her father had yelled at her when the flowers arrived. I’m sorry, Ciara.
To the best of my knowledge, Ciara spoke my name during one of her livestreams exactly once. Nevertheless, this is a cherished memory, just like the night I watched the legendary Ciara–Sunny joint stream, in awe as my two favorite egirls pretended to get along.
I learned that Ciara died a couple nights after the fact, when her boyfriend was posting sad messages on Instagram just as I was taking a train ride home after a late dinner in the city. I sent him a few direct messages, learned what happened, and immediately called him once I got off the train. When I told him I thought he was the best thing that had ever happened to Ciara, he broke down.
A long time ago, I created and posted a Ciara Horan Trivia Quiz on Scribd and linked to it on r9k. It contained at least one error: One of the questions implied that Ciara never worked at Wegmans, but she had; I think it may have been her earliest retail job.
I missed the first era of Ciara’s online notoriety. By the time I tuned in, in late fall 2016, lots of drama had already passed, and her Goldfish Cracker YouTube channel existed only in screenshots and on the hard drives of whoever was farsighted enough to download the videos. I spent endless days and nights mining Desuarchive to help fill in the gaps. Surely not all the things Ciara was being accused of could be true, I thought. But they all were.
I’ll never forget Sunny, Marky, Asteriaa and a few others. But Ciara will always have pride of place in my heart and mind. Thanks for everything, Ciara, and sorry the curtain had to come down so soon.