Alyson Hannigan was a whining, insignificant speck in My Stepmother Is an Alien, because her Jessie Mills was a petulant child lost in the shadow of Kim Basinger’s otherworldly allure and Dan Aykroyd’s bemused charm. Then came the McDonald’s "Embarrassing Moments" commercial, where she displayed the natural act of hunger, blushing from loud sounds of hunger pains in a classroom where literally no other student gave a fuck. Embarrassing why? Because a human has to eat food? Yet more Jewish confusion about how humanity works. Her stint as Jan in Roseanne was a whisper in a hurricane of grating voices, a character so devoid of presence she dissolved into nothing before the laugh track even faded. "Ah Mylanta", the corporate shilling pinnacle of her early career: feigning concern over some actor’s fabricated heartburn with all the passion of extreme disinterest.

Touched by an Angel allowed her to role-play Cassie Peters, portraying a weepy, one-dimensional grieving mother who couldn't stop crying, the performance too melodramatic even by that show’s standards. Then Amer­ican Pie as the infamous Michelle Flaherty, whose "one time at band camp" was delivered with such forced awkwardness that it wasn’t funny until the hook-nosed Jason Biggs only stopped visibly wanting her to shut up when she revealed.. shoving her flute in her pussy. Hollywood beat a dead horse with a stick by her reprising the same role in Amer­ican Pie 2, Amer­ican Wedding and Amer­ican Reunion - proving repeated unfunny and awkward intimate scenes and bad sex jokes could be repeated ad nauseum for nearly endless cash grabs, each installment further evidence of the depths of comedic bankruptcy.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was where she was finally permitted to embrace her true nature at her most irritating. Willow Rosenberg, with her halting, arrhythmic speech patterns, as though each word were a reluctant confession pried from her by force. A performance so stammering with stuttering, pause-heavy deliveries that made every line cause the audience to wonder if she was the bastard child of Jeff Goldblum. That ‘70s Show gave us Suzie Simpson, a character so devoid of spark she barely registered in a sea of narcissistic, bumbling Jews. Then King of the Hill was where she, a grown woman, lent her voice to a character inexplicably smitten with Bobby Hill, because nothing says wholesome entertainment like thinly veiled pedophilic implications. As Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, she displayed such mastery over obnoxious hypocrisy as a woman who meddled with the lives of others like a bored Jew sadist scorching ants with a magnifying glass for sport. She cloaked her manipulations in faux wisdom, her psychotic need to control others disguised as concern. Yet, she wept and wailed over her own trivialities, a symphony of grating, narcissistic bullshit.

Next, Abducted: The Mary Stauffer Story, where she trembled and sobbed with such relentless fervor that the audience marveled at her ability to remain upright instead of collapsing from dehydration. She lets the kidnapper bang her. Because what is falsely portraying trauma to a Jew but another paycheck to cash? Fancy Nancy was a grotesque, uncanny abomination of CGI animation, her voice as Claire Clancy dripping with excessively cooing poison, designed to rot the minds of children and the sanity of parents. It has been awhile, and Alyson missed selling her soul for a corporate paycheck. She was in the Mastercard Christmas Commercial, delivering such a master line as "It's made with organic berries." about a ridiculously overpriced $89 shampoo gift basket - even more absurd because that was in 2009. Again in the Head & Shoulders Dinosaur Commercial where she awkwardly recited "Try my Head & Shoulders Itchy Scalp Care with Eucalyptus", delivered with all the conviction of a DMV clerk reciting parking violations while she forces a smile.

But hey, at least she can cry convincingly on cue. A talent every Jew hopes to have for the crocodile tears they spill during overacted victim complexes.