>>/7797/
> Roasting Hops tightened the table saddle's girth
> a platter of drinks, balanced across the saddle's beams.
A should be capitalized 
> Hops had been distracted all day; stumbling into customers.
< Derpy, she is a Derpy!

> Hops had been distracted all day; stumbling into customers.
> spilling precious drops of their drink.
Again, new sentence, should be capitalized. 

> It wasn't just equines tonight.
> a mated couple, griffons, came in with a kirin.
Okay, maybe there is some typing style with greens that I am unfamiliar with, but I believe with these they should be capitalized, period = new sentence, though I suppose you could connect them with a em dash, but that wouldn't be fitting with the style of greens. 

> Every drink put down shifted the platter's weight.
> it wanted to fall off; Roasting Hops had to keep shifting the platter on the saddle.
Same error as above.

> "Order up." Hops went to swap empty platter for full.
> The boss wanted gossip. "Tell me, girl, this concoction ordered by a griffon?"
Some might claim the writing is sparse here for not describing the boss in detail or establishing his presence but I think it's fine as it is. He is established by the act of going back to get the drink in the first place and the POV is not focused on him or such details. I suppose if you were aiming for converting this to prose it may require a another line introducing her boss but I wouldn't include more then a thrown away description, something like this:
Hobs turned her attention to her boss. Bloated Beck, a morbidly obese rustic pegasus with an ear for all the goings on of the tavern 
And, possibly:
and what money making opportunities may be gained from lose lips 

> Deeper, more rumbling than even a stallion's voice.
< Chad Anon

> No hair coat. Bared arms showed a snake coiling up and down the insides of both.
Tattoo? 

> Is this where they kept their cutie mark, then?
> The thing's flanks were completely covered by pants, so Hops assumed it was so.
May want to add a single line if anon was wearing a shirt or not. [spoiler] I could be missing something though[spoiler]

> "You're a human." Her neck hurt looking that high.
< Ponies are either extra small or he is extra big.
< Probably both.
< I am interested in what you consider the size of a pony compared to an average human. Always preferred smol myself but I am more of a cuddlier. 

> Cloven? No. Roasting had never even seen a drawing, let alone a live one.
Perfectly plausible considering that they are in Ponyville for her not to know that. 


> The other students would be tasked with giving you a snake-style beat down
> it would be painted (in your blood), framed, and mounted in the dojo.
< So, is anon a edgy ninja or something? It's not bad or good on it's own, simply typical. 
Also, same type of capitalization error.


> Hopefully what you'd heard was right.
> Pony lands didn't have a "minimum drinking age"
The way The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy could be taken to imply it with no foals drinking cider. Not even a criticism, just a notation.

> "I can get you the seafood plate. Are you paying in Pony bits, or Human gold?"
This is a wonderful detail of seafood being freely available in vegetarian pony lands. We've seen Fluttershy feed bears fish and fishing equipment present in other episodes. My headcanon has been that the ponies do use them to provide meat to carnivores and perhaps are willing to use them in some other products like fish oil.