>>/7821/
> No. Sorry, did you read the g-doc where I laid out the setting? 
I think I did but it was awhile ago so I forgot. Sorry.

>  that's just how women are put together so get your mind out of the gutter and
To be fair to myself, I thought that was anon being crass and endearing in his own way and I didn't catch that till I read the first part here. The fact that is completely innocent makes me feel kind of bad for your character, as it is a cute name regardless. 

> The "inn's" proprietor has been burned to a pile of ash, with just the hooves and a bit of forelock falling outside the circle of destruction. 
Okay, that makes sense. Part of the problem is me reviewing this without full context of the story it seems. 
 >>/7799/
> If it squicks the natives that much, they'll assume nothing is actually happening.
> So long as the pair don't give the impression anything more is happening.
> The door bursts open. Intruding on the private room are two white pegasi
> Wearing metal uniforms.
> "We're her about some noise complaints." The one on the left all but demands.
> "Come outside right now." the one to your right adds.
> "We need to talk to you about what happened last night."
It still seems a little abrupt for me. Though upon further reflection I think this could be fixed in a different way with slight more description. Show, don't tell, yada yada. 

>  and when a teenager leaps into action from instinct alone, naturally it will turn out to have been the wrong thing.
That sounds like an edgy Anon to me. Though a little edgy may not be bad, I thought in the breakup scene he felt pretty fleshed out. 

> Again, edgy teenager reacting without fully thinking. 
She is not even edgy. It is actually quite natural both as fictional motifs and real life, as I have stated. I mean, I think it's something you can make fun of and laugh at, but in the sense of making fun of her stupidity more then the story's. 

 >>/7822/
> I mean ... is there any other reason to write fan fiction?
I suppose most fan fiction really is escapist in some way when we get down to it but some what I meant with that is self inserts and power fantasy. Sometimes one wants a story with a little coating from it in a raw overdose or just spend some time with some characters outside that goal.

>  I want to hint at how the riots in the main coffee growing countries have caused two factions to emerge,
> Yeah, you should get a sense of world-building from me. It's kinda my shtick, I guess.
This I can respect a lot. A lot of writers put these type of details as secondary for stuff just happening for the stories sake. That is actually one of my main complaints personally with power fantasies OC.