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>>/60818/ I wanted to be the goodest most morally righteous person in the world, but I guess I'm naturally selfish, less than the average person but still enough that I'll never get to be who I wanted to be, no matter how hard I try. At least that's one worry to scratch off the list. But it's hard to accept because you build up that beautiful ideal for yourself, something that gives your life meaning, and then one day you realize it's just plainly impossible. It's like if I tried to climb the corporate ladder or make a lot of friends irl being as violently autismal as I am. Certain things are just not going to happen depending on what your core nature is like. And that realization is pretty brutal if it's real (i.e. your subconscious learning about that limitation, as opposed to some vague understanding of it from your conscious side). I wouldn't say I went through "ego death" but it's a little like that. It's more like a death of everything, because everything seems as empty as myself now, it's not just me. Like, consciously I already knew people were predictable and self serving and such, but more recently I started FEELING it and I'm just so uninterested in everyone and in myself now. There's no real greatness or beauty on this plane. The way things work here is too limiting