>>/3418/
You helped me a lot with your answers, so thanks for that. I've come to remember that there's still sludge that has to be cleaned within myself, so to speak. By temporarily letting go during meditation, I settle in awareness and lightly touch the realm of tranquility. Two questions have come up.
Firstly, an undefinable question, a state of wondering, that encompasses the philosophy found in some meditation practices, putting an emphasis on "thoughts" being empty, therefore everything, outside of awareness, being, in essence, empty. What's the point of reaching tranquility when there is nothing left? I fail to understand the end goal of reaching something like samadhi. Should it be a temporary state for magical operations? Or is there something beyond it when one can settle in this state continuously. Cultivation practices culminate in returning to nothing, but why? For real, suddenly a big doubt came up about this whole concept, but I am not sure how to handle this correctly. It's not like I cling to any philosophy or idea, I don't, care, but this just hit me differently.
This leads to the second question. What the fuck am I actually doing?
My whole path since childhood has been this ephemeral process of stumbling upon a new piece of "occult" information that forms an experience I grow from and eventually let go off. I wish for a manual that I can stupidly follow and realize my goals with or some kind of in-person wizard teacher showing me everything, but this is never completely granted (maybe even useless if realized or bad in the long run, who knows really). Every clue of magic within my ancestry is almost impossible to get because everything gets destroyed or blocked in some way, every time I even glimpse something.
Outside of that, magical traditions are rampant with humanities filth, semi-impossible to get a hold of or subjectively shit. And "open" occult knowledge is mostly so useless, or I am just too dumb to realize the value in reading "three books of occult philosophy" or any of the "esteemed" peoples works. Actually, the magical experiences have always been free from such knowledge, but even they are restricted and ephemeral. As if the universe is tryharding at keeping me locked up. Why born in exactly this time and existing in exactly this state?

There's a cryptic dilemma. Confused mind. A struggle to understand the flow of reality, between tranquil nothingness, awareness and dreams. I have to take the time for sorting everything out. TK has taught me how to let go of sneeze nerve stimulation in the nose.