Absolute rectal catastrophe.
Was driving home from Melbourne and really needed to poo after I picked up the choof. Luckily I found a decent public toilet. Problem solved I thought. This mornings eggs benedict and last nights mexican and enough standards to get kicked out of the RSL had other ideas.
Took a couple wrong turns in the first half of the journey but wasn't too stressed about it. Suddenly need to poo again, and fast. I know theres a good toilet in a town coming up but its at least 20 minutes away.
Heavy breathing, sweating, groaning, just struggling. Decided I couldn't make it, gonna have to pull over. Manage to find the tissues under the drivers seat but I'm on the verge of losing control, like when you're really close to a toilet. Had the front and rear passenger doors open, was gonna pop a gook squat and let it go but I decided to wait just 10 more seconds for an oncoming car to pass. Couldn't make it, did the first squirt through my undies and trackies, squatted right as his headlights were illimunating the car. Sprayed all over the grass, which was basically up my bum. Poo everywhere. Poo on my thongs. Finish and try to wipe but that makes it worse, poo all over my hand, some more dripped into my trackies. Wipe wipe wipe. Somehow still stepping in it as I'm waddling. Poo on my phone after I used it as a torch. Hope I don't end up on aussie dashcams
Luckily I had clothes in my bag, put some fresh undies on but got something wet (poo) on the seat. Just poo everywhere. I can see the brown on the trackies in the passenger footwell after I make it to the drivers seat.
Problem mostly solved, just the smell. Made it home and showered, survived the ordeal. Now just the cleanup.