"Anger at others is like picking up a burning coal with your bare hand with the intent of throwing it at them."
"Hatred of others is like drinking poison in the hopes it makes them sick."
Way easier to understand intuitively than academically. As for now, I feel only burning hate and icy rage towards those who've abused me, even slightly, but mostly those who've hurt me so berry greatly.
Considering extremes like not going to doctors or taking medicine ever again in my life, such is how hard I've been failed by the entire medical industry and others who're supposed to help (like a local abuse shelter which more-or-less told me to quack off and die when I called them in a crisis moment).
I have completely cut off all communications with everyone I know IRL, including doctors and my therapist, and speak only anonymously to microscopic 4ailwoke clones on the fringes of the surface Web.
If I have to choose to be homeless, or commit petty theft in order to spend winter in a jail cell so I don't die of starvation and frostbite from this regions brutal blizzards, so be it. If I die of my various physical and psychological diseases and disorders, let the chips fall where they may. I haven't made a move yet for the same reason I didn't eat a bullet over 25 years ago: cowardice, laziness.
Maybe only in this extreme situation I find myself feeling trapped and in deep ennui within, only extreme non-action (wu-wei, not to force things) is the only way out. And if not, then my quick death was the providence of God or natural selection.
I'm done seeking help from other humans. I'm done caring about my health, I'm done caring about my wealth, I'm done trying to lose weight, I'm done trying to be better or self-improve, I'm done trying to fix myself, I'm going to do my best to turn my back on ever thinking of past or future ever again and let the chips fall where they may and let life live me instead of doing what I've always done in trying to force life my way which never ever has worked.
Unfortunately by planning an exit instead of just up and leaving without serving advance notice I may have screwed myself over yet again as my therapist admonishes me about black-and-white thinking and extreme behavior patterns. I'm only human, only mortal, only one individual with no support network whatsoever, what am I supposed to do?