i called my mom last night to see how she was doing. although what she did to my oldest sister was terrible and i havent forgiven her, she cried a lot and i felt bad. i realized i was hurting her and deep down there was a part of me that knew this and i was wanting to stay homeless just so i could return some of that abuse back to her, because i cant willingly be verbally or psychologically abusive without hating myself. 

I was living on my own for 4 days and i loved every second of it, for the first time in my life i felt like i could fully actualize myself and build my life from the ground up, and i really wasnt wanting to come back here, but i know that intention matters, and if theres a slight part of me thats doing this just to make her feel bad (which i hate to admit, although she was terrible to us) it sullies the whole thing. i can never look at her the same way again. this whole thing was very scarring and already my mind is attempting to block all this out because whenever i start to remember how she treated her and i my brain goes static. i hate this all and i wish i could make it go away