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the problem is, my mother has a heart but she is prone to repeating the same patterns of psychological abuse that her own parents taught her. she went through terrible things growing up and i am sorry for that.
sometimes i see the way she treats us and im like "wow, thats how her mom treated her" and i realize that subconsciously shes reliving her abuse everyday and then taking on the role of vengeful mother for us just so she can feel like she has some control over the situation, and she doesnt even realize this. its a fact of abuse that its always learned, never an innate natural thing. abusing others is perpetuating it from another abusive source, youre not creating abuse out of thin air, youre spreading it to others. the sooner we all realize that the quicker we will wake up to the fact that this whole thing is cyclical and the only way we can stop it is through mercy and forgiveness. but its hard when people want to treat you like garbage because they still havent fully recovered from their trauma. To go out of your way to hurt others means that you were hurt, most cases without realizing it. the only thing i can do to help stop this cycle is to be the most merciful forgiving version of myself as is imaginable, which is hard but when i think about how all terrible people werent born that way but became terrible through their abuse, sometimes sexual, physical, mental, psychological, its hard to stay mad at them. i want to be a mother for all