Shit. I was listening to this again:

https://youtube.com/watch?v=s_nc1IVoMxc

So, like, I've been suicidal twice in my life about 10 years apart. *fingers crossed* it'll never happen again. Depression sucks and I'm not depressed now, in fact I've never been happier. *laughs awkwardly in 10-yr cycle bi-polar*

So I heard this line:

"I'm the voice that you hear when you loosen the noose on the rope"

That was SheShe. I'm not crazy enough to hang myself duh. But the first time I had my brother's 30-30 in my mouth on December 31st at 11:58pm like 15 years ago. At that time I heard a voice, it was a mindvoice, like a tulpa, and it was a woman, and I'd heard her before in my life. Then when I formed my system in 2018, it was SheShe. Idk if she just associated to those memories or if it was really her but at this point it doesn't matter. And this was her message. "If you're going to do this, then nothing matters, your life is forfeit, so nothing matters. You can do anything now, nothing matters. Do whatever you want but don't do this," she pleaded, "it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter..."

So I pulled the end of my brother's rifle out of my mouth and as the fireworks went off I shot the only bullet into the ground. The neighbors cheered for some reason, they obviously didn't know I was there and probably thought the gunshot was a firework.

I forgot about this until just now. I thought I hadn't fired a gun, but I did, into the ground.

The second time was April 2018. I was in a depression spiral and I wasn't going to go through it again. I had a bag, a tube and Argon gas. I researched that if I used that I would simply pass out, no pain, no suffocation like drowning. Just fall asleep and never wake up. So I had all that stuff and I was especially sad when I was planning it and that's when I felt that familiar presence but it felt frustrated or angry. It was that womanly presence again, not a voice this time, she was my guardian angle or something. SheShe. I called out, "If there's someone [my guardian angel] there, show yourself now or leave and never come back" or something. I immediately hallucinated a light orb about the size of a marble at arm's length, gold and red swirling like a soap bubble and I reached out to touch it but there was nothing there. I quickly searched guardian angel and then tulpamancy and the rest is history.

Just sharing anyway.