You good mud? You sound like you're in the trenches and you need someone to genuinely help you out. Idk how to mske people feel better but I'm gonna try; you are loved. You do NOT need to be kidnapped. WE love you because you're a good person at heart. Life will get hard, and pain will come and go, but that does not nan you need to tak to cannibals my nigga. Talk to people in your life about this. Get help. Don't let yourself fall into a pit.