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Anything posted here are autistic works of fiction, only a fool would take them seriously.

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As a child, I blocked out most of my past because I was bullied. I didn't really take care of myself because I hated myself. I didn't brush my teeth, I didn't eat, I felt unloved, and so much more that I can barely remember about my childhood. I could only recall certain events, like when this one girl walked up to me and told me, "Oh, your teeth are so white, I like them." I didn't know what sarcasm was at that time, and I said "Thanks," not understanding why she sounded like that. Another memory I have is when my "friends" started leaving me for no reason. Well, I think I know why they left me; probably because I was a freak. Another memory I have is of my teachers being mean. They would mark my test adding things like "Oh, you're so stupid" to certain questions. One question that hurt me very badly is when we had to draw hands, one hand having all the good things about a person and the other having all the bad things in a person. She wrote on the bad hand, "Just like you!" That really hurt me as a child. Another memory I have is when I confessed my feelings to this girl with a love letter. I didn't really know how to spell, so most of the words just seemed like gibberish. When I gave it to her in class, she laughed, saying that I should learn how to be smart before I asked her out. Her friends even said, "You're too ugly for love." It's honestly sad. One time, back in grade 4, I think I told my friend I liked this one girl in class. He told the whole school the next day, and she "was my girlfriend" for a little until breaking up with me 3 months into the relationship. She even said, "I only dated you because I got dared" when she broke up with me. I have bad memories of everybody in my life. Even my parents used to lie, saying "Oh, you're so talented" or "You're so good at this," even though I wasn't anywhere near as good or talented as most people. I was honestly hurt as a child mentally, and I think that plays a big role in why I'm so friendly, gentle, and frankly scared of how I act around people now that I'm 14. I honestly don't want to be myself because I'm scared people might be mean to me again. I try to brush my teeth every day. I try to eat. I sort of brush my teeth every day, and I at least eat around one meal per day, so I think I'm recovering, but I'm not sure. I'm also kind of in love with this girl in my class, but I'm frankly too scared to ask her to be mine. Well, the reason is that I'm sort of broke, and I don't have a lot of money, so I can't really buy stuff for her or take her on dates, and I don't want to tell her I'm broke because I'm scared she will not want to be friends or even more than friends anymore. So yeah, I don't know what I want to do with my life or what I'm doing. I'm starting to get suicidal thoughts every day, and I can't stop them. I hope someone at least can help me here one day. But all I want is to give someone my world, to show someone all the affection and love I have in me for them. Yeah, I don't know what else to say, but I hope that my life gets better, and I hope someone can help me with what's going on in my life. Thank you.
1) You are still very young and have potential to snap out of this and change your life for the better NOW.
2) You have bad parents and friends unfortunately, both should have been teaching you basic behavior and how to socialize rather than abandoning you or lying to you.
3) You are way too sensitive and insecure about yourself. Girls notice that and it is a big turn off. Girls like men who are masculine and confident in themselves, not depressed and weak.
4) You need to start exercising and get some sunlight. Consider a change in diet too. Stop drinking soda, stop eating as junk food. Incorporate a balanced diet with meat, vegetables, eggs, fish, fiber, fruit and nuts. Not too much of any one thing, a balanced palate of these healthy foods. Learn to cook. It is not as hard as you think.
5) You desperately need to get out of your "safe space" and try new things and meet new people. You are a teenager for Christ sake! You should be living it up. THIS IS THE BEST OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE FUN YOU WILL EVER HAVE! Teenage years bro! Although don't get too crazy (I had three friends in my high school years who died doing too much crazy shit like hard drugs, driving drunk, etc).
6) The longer you wait to make friends the more likely you won't have any friends by the time you grow up and have to get a job. Socialize NOW before you start to lose your mental ability later.
7) Education is not the most important thing in life. Learn skills. Learn how to fix utilities. Learn how to build things. Consider the trade. Don't go into too much debt which you will later regret. Be willing to work to get by in life but avoid going into lots of debt. Student loans are a scam today, beware.
7) Do not worry too much what other people think about you. Be you but do not be insecure. Everyone is different. Everyone has their own problems. Be persistent in what you want and never give up. You will never get the girl you want in life if you just give up. You will never be able to live the life you want to live if you just give up. You have to keep trying, that is what life is about. Keep trying, every time you fail just get back up and persist, it will make you stronger and you will get a lot more of what you want out of life.
Depression can paint memories darker, or feel bad about things that normally you would not.
For example parents telling you, "lying" that you are talented or doing good, is not a bad thing. They probably tried to be supportive, and wanted you to build confidence. People struggling through their whole life because their parents told them that they are too stupid to do anything properly, or that they shouldn't try doing things for they'll fail anyway.
I won't go and counterargue at each point, you should get the point.
You are also young, and it is typical to be depressed for many in your age. You'll grow it out.

So edgy.
Too many people as they get older end up regretting not having more fun and fooling around when they were younger. Don't be one of those people. No one is perfect, everyone has some kind of problem. Just accept who you are and do your best. Keep your head up high. Real friends will accept who you are and you will do the same for them. Real friends will listen to you and be there to encourage and challenge you too. Sometimes maybe trying something you normally shouldn't do at times (like smoking weed, or finding some hobo nutcase that would be willing to buy a six pack of beer if you gave him extra cash). As for girls, every normal teenage boy wants to date girls. Just be yourself and be confident, look girls in the eyes and ask one you like to go out with you sometime. If she says no, persist anyway and ask why not, what does she have to lose, her virginity? LOL that will catch her attention. Most teenage girls are looking for someone to have fun with, someone who can take them to a party who is not going to sulk around whining about the woes of the world.

So many people claim they'll do that but most the people who say they would end up proving they are cowards and are too scared to pull the trigger. And many people who do end up offing themselves, many are people who no one ever expected would have done such a thing. 

I once heard of a firefighter who later became a business owner of a local construction company. He was wealthy and eventually forced to retire due to old age. This guy was happily married. Had a family. Had a nice upper middle class home. One day his family found him dead. He blew his brains out, leaving a note on a table. The reason you might ask? He was getting too old to work anymore, and he loved working. He did not want to end up being taken care of as an old feeble man so he decided to kill himself. Who would have predicted someone with his statute  would do something like that? That's the point. Most people who are really serious and want to die do not brag about it.
i wonder if the guys responding to this in seriousness feel the same way if they took the time to inspect the authenticity and notice all the other strange threads each with a different email in its field
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You know, that shit always got on my nerves when they said those unwarranted compliments. Like stop fucking patronizing me and give me something I can use. But I guess my mistake was expecting something that they weren't from them.

You remind me of myself. I was made fun of, skinny, and generally lost most the time. Except I perhaps have more violent tendencies. I used to throw my chair around my room and thrash whatever I felt like and I'd yell, cry, and beat myself up until I calmed down. The calm you feel after an emotional outburst is peculiar. I felt like slaughtering people or killing myself, but that sort of thing would've just been a wasteful endeavor. I felt that it would just be a waste of damn time as I was about to blow my brains out with my shotgun, so I stopped. If it was something I really wanted, I would have done it by now. I wanted to stop being so damn weak more than anything but I couldn't fucking have it. I now realize better that just wanting something is not enough for it to happen.

The way out, I think, is to cultivate reasoning. To have principles that are true. That's what a therapist does to help you understand and get over your problems, but personally, I wouldn't want to see one because you're paying them to pretend to be your friend. It also pisses me off that anyone other than me would have power over me because my past I guess. That's another thing, I didn't buy into this idea that you needed others to be happy. Maybe a good friend would spruce things up but I'm perfectly fine working on my own shit. Anyways, when I think about pure reasoning as a concept, things start becoming a little more coherent to me. I think that was what I was looking for, some sense, a strong foundation with suitable answers for my insecurities. Reasons I could bring myself to believe in my strength. What you want is peace, & relief. It's the definition of success, no more conflict. You should make the distinction of whether your weakness is a law or just an observation of  circumstances that you think is a law.

Using devices to escape is a good way to never face your issues and have them keep living with you. I'm starting to realize that this shit is satanic, destructive. I might become amish or some shit lol. It is more thrilling to make progress in something you can do with your hands, something with a real world effect. Like working out. What other reason do you need to start working out other than being strong is cool? My problem was shutting down because I felt like I couldn't.

Don't listen to others telling you to consoom or what to do. They speak for themselves. They're like advertisers. Do it on your own terms. I don't want to listen to them because they're telling me to consoom instead of telling me to determine what is desirable rationally.

About women, I'd say they like being liked more than anything. And, I think, it's not necessarily "alpha-ness" they like but a certain healthiness. I like ones that would accept me even if I was fucked up. For me, if I note an uncommonly good quality about them they usually like me back and I would go for those, but I don't think I would bother with the rest. Though I don't go for them because at this point in time I feel it's besides what I'm currently working on. So perhaps take all this with a grain of salt as I've never had a gf.

For teeth I use hydrogen peroxide with baking soda sprinkled on the brush. It does it's job better than the industrial waste product that is flouride, the former mixture making my teeth literally squeaky clean, unlike common toothpastes. Also oil pulling with coconut oil, I've done that some and it helps. I used to have extreme pain in my back teeth but that has pretty much gone away  after using this stuff.

These are just some of the thoughts I've accumulated. Take what you will from them and hopefully it'll help. This became long but it was an opportunity to vent some of my own stuff too. Take care.

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