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Anything posted here are autistic works of fiction, only a fool would take them seriously.


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do you have a good system not to be overwhelmed by all the stuff you try to do? would love to have serious discussion on time management in case anyone is interested. maybe i am not the only one feeling strange for wasting the limited time of this short life. i actually found stuff that helped me but more on that later itt!

i tried to do without for a long time and did not get done all that much. wasted a lot of time on video games, though it was not a complete waste. i noticed the same complications over and over again when i try to make better use of my time. here is a list of them:

> mood
sometimes i make plans to do something the next day but then i get molested or stalked or attacked in some way or someone paints graffiti on my car and i am just depressed and i assumed i wasn't going to be but and then i feel like i can't continue

> various amount of energy
some days i feel strong, other days i feel weak

> unrealistic idea of time
sometimes i look at what i want to do and it is so much that i lose hope or get intimidated and believe it is impossible, then at other times i am in a flow state i have unlimited energy and can do anything

> forgetting
some times i realize that i had just forgotten to do something i wanted to do

> sheer volume of things
when all i would want to accomplish was 5 things, i could easily not get overwhelmed but when i notice 100 things that are all shit and i know i could make them better if i focussed on them, i feel like it is impossible to make a dent. 

> interruptions
sometimes i am doing something and then something comes in between and the entire project becomes derailed and i never pick it up to continue again

> wandering mind
sometimes i am doing something and for the first time in days i don't feel dead inside and i have all these other thoughts and some of them i instantly want to follow and others i don't want to forget so i try to take notes but i don't know where and then i become scattered and in the end almost nothing gets done

> not finishing
sometimes i do something and for reasons unbeknownst to me i just decide not to finish and then i never pick it up and the project just sits in a box by my bed and i stub my toe on it

> not finishing and instead starting something else 
that's even worse. that's not even reducing the number of open projects to one less, that's opening up a new one so in total that's two more!

> idea for unstarted ideas
sometimes while i do something i get an idea for something else i have not even started yet and since i already have too much going on in the head, i knew i was gonna forget it and not find it in the moment i would continue to work on the thing.

> calendar doesnt work
i tried using a paper calendar and it just became an awful chore to keep crossing out stuff i ended up not doing and writing it on another day or even worse trying to have the calendar be a diary of things i actually did and then there were entire days i completely forget i was using a calendar or where i just couldn't do anything or didn't want to which then made me feel strange to carry around a book where half the pages are blank.
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this might be a good place to collect a few observations about video games that recently became obvious to me.

video games changed the timing of my thinking in some ways:

> pausing

a video game i can just stop whenever it is convenient to me. if someone calls me and i want to respond, when something was cooking (back when i ate cooked food) and i wanted to check on it, when there is something urgent happening or even an emergency i just hit the start-button or hit spacebar or whatever, the game halts and waits for me.

when there is a difficult part in a game, i can pause and take all the time i need to come up with a good plan and then resume time when i feel ready. 

REAL LIFE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! you can never pause, there is no such thing. time is a continuous river that can not be contained. 

life experience taught me something life-affirming about this though that i would not have expected as a young person and did not know about until i experienced it myself: when you need it the most if you can succeed in remaining unafraid, your brain changes the frame rate and slows down time for you to 1 fps! i experienced this multiple times during skating. i fell and could have easily injured myself seriously but i didn't. time slowed down when i needed it most and in that split second for some reason i found all the time in the world that i needed to come up with a good plan on how to swing my arms to make my upper body rotate in a way where i can absorb the energy that was about to slam into the floor and roll away unharmed like i was sonic the hedgehog.


> reloading

in many video games i can save and load whenever i want or at least at several points throughout the game. when i make a mistake or if one of my decisions on what to next was bad, i can go back in time to a point in which i did not make the mistake and choose differently.

REAL LIFE IS NOT LIKE THAT EITHER! unfortunately nothing like this exists in reality. mistakes are permanent. you can not go back and relieve your childhood without doing the mistakes.

maybe that's why video games are fun, because they don't matter and mistakes are meaningless in them.


> expectation of things being instant

a few years ago i remember being annoyed that when i try to manifest something, that i can't just do it in 10 minutes but there are just tons of points in which i can't continue and have to wait for someone or something else to occur and just can't continue and that i have to interrupt.

so when my though processes are used to video games where everything is instant and plans can be implemented in seconds, i guess i got in the habit of believing everything can be instant in reality too and some kind of expectation or entitlement became the basis of my though process that HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH REALITY. 

everything is so slow and tedious in reality. ordering something on amazon the moment i needed it and then having to wait a week for it to arrive often interrupted projects i did and i could never pick them back up once the thing arrived. this is almost shameful to admit but waiting for delivery has on occasion taken the wind out of my sails until i got used to how slow everything is outside of video games.

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one more thing on reloading not being possible IRL:

that's one reason why i like using a paper system. in a system on the computer i can just re-arrange words and sentences endlessly until it is perfect but when i use paper, i have to like what i write enough to commit it to paper. sometimes i tear a paper appart and start a new one when i come up with a better way but more often then not i make a rough version 1 and then a way better version 2. that makes the system i am using to bring something into reality a microcosm of reality where i already have to adhere to the specifications of reality.



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