/pone/ - World of Equestria

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 >>/5784/
Digging a Little Deeper.

One of the things that makes this fic hard to judge for me is some of the background subtexts and elements related to /endpone/ itself. 

This was inspired in part by a more obscure work from a famous national author  Forgive me I don't recall if you mentioned the name.  Me being unfamiliar with the work puts some of the prior points into question. Was the slight lack of detail more intended? Was there more interesting allusions that I missed? You get the point. It is possible may have been other stuff beyond what can be observed on the surface that I may have missed. The story of a falling out between a... middle aged (the fic suggests that he is somewhat older in years but he also seems pretty immature to me) guardpony's loss of a career, almost death and a self reflective redemption in a new land I presume must share some thematic elements with the story that inspired you.

I must confess something small: I can really like it when fanfiction takes some elements from another work for it's own end, even if I am unfamiliar with the work. Though they haven't been my favorites of all time and my feelings can sometimes be quite complex with them. I love the act itself and I think they sometimes leave a little more to think about. 
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/5713/the-star-in-yellow
This is a very notable example of this. It was originally obscure until it got adapted into the final Rainbow Dash Presents, which is a whole other can of worms. Not calling your story on this level, but as I read through it on a second run it did make me think a bit more. It was fun for me to wonder what was from your other inspirations. I like having to make a second look like that. That is one of the reasons why I split the surface and made this section here. I frankly enjoyed it but I am uncertain how much some random fic reader would affect his or her love of such a work. It is something that doesn't necessarily jump out and scream at you so such an influence may be undetected. Yet I feel that saying it is a complete non factor or a handicap is also wrong. A lot of fics that have done this actually have been on the stronger end and even if it is pretty low key to an exterior observer it still is something that maybe a positive with a few passive observers and isn't a formula to shun for future endeavors.

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 >>/5784/
And then there is /endpone/. 

I think that some of the emotion here is related to that. Perhaps not strong but I do wonder if you are channeling a bit of sentimentality to your old fic and where you (and the board to an extent) are now. This fic does have a slight sentimental feel as it is an adaptation of your first little green here. It is something that makes me feel for it ever so slightly more than if I was just considering it on the first two layers. How do I factor this in my judgement? I am I to consider it part of the second layer? Is it just another bonus subtext that few can detect? In this case there is a very tiny subset of people who would have any chase of feeling that  I mean you, me, possibly BO and a lurker or two...  I feel when judging this I have to split this off.

My final judgement it is a good practice fic and with a some areas that I think are okay and some that I think could use a little work. I think it is limited in its appeal do to some factors both within (grammer, plot) and beyond your control but you never know what will happen. 

As for how I feel on it personally? Well. This fic started as a tiny green and now it is over 13k words after two years. Now even this tiny green has gone beyond what we ever would have thought and I hope for more of this from the feature  Such as a certain little something I have up my sleeve.  Nice work /)

One other note:
I like what you did with  >>/5420/ and  >>/5421/
> A guard that simply stares romantically at other guards or even passes time at imagining love stories with Twilight under the pseudonym named “Zephyr”
It's both a small meta reference and turning those shipping images into something usable for the fic. Gives him a bit of character too but it did make me a bit confused on his age.

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Now though. One thing that I feel like I do need to do with this fic is an attempt to access your actual writing skill for once. Beyond just how I felt or an assessment of plot. 

 >>/5419/
> Now I am coming back home by taking the train to Canterlot
> Well, someone should explain this to me but maybe later, I am about to come into my house,
Often you use "I am" particularly in the 3 chapters of the fic. To me, this phasing sounds a little awkward, but I am not sure if it's it by itself or because you switch to past tense randomly for other actions.
> I exited the train station and despite seeing ponies wandering in the streets as always,
He exited the train. Past tense. Past tense and present tense can be confusing, especially in normal informal speech when sometimes things can be switched and mixed up. I've mixed them too. I actually not sure if I have the best grip on this either but I think the easiest thing would be to switch it all from present tense to past tense. So instead of something like this:
> Now I am coming back home by taking the train to Canterlot
To something more akin to:
> I came back by train to Canterlot
This:
> I exited the train station and despite seeing ponies wandering in the streets as always, I am noticing a few buildings shattered
To this:
> I exited the train station and despite seeing ponies wandering in the streets as always, I noticed a few buildings shattered.

In later chapters you may still have tense issues but the writing is much better.

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 >>/5787/
Now, something else: I consider the flow of the earlier chapters to be weaker than the later ones. Particularly chapter 2. First he is boarding the train, than he notices some odd griffin like things. Than he is in Canterlot saying:
> I need a little bit of time before resuming my routine and...
> WHAAAAAAT?! What is this?! What am I looking at? How is it possible that the door locked? Why does it have a note saying that they are looking for a replacement? They offered this house to me in exchange of doing my job properly and now after all these years, they are turning me out of this place. 
This line in particular felt awkward to me. It feels too... expository. Though that is perhaps not the right word. I think that he just went right into saying what and then mentioning what he was reacting into in a way that feels awkward and inorganic.
You can just add something like this:
> I noticed a lock on my door. Stranger still there was a note, painted in bold black lettering. 
> As I read it my blood went to a boil.
> WHAAAAAAT?! What is this?! What am I looking at? How is it possible that the door locked? Why does it have a note saying that they are looking for a replacement? >They offered this house to me in exchange of doing my job properly and now after all these years, they are turning me out of this place.
Or even a more simple fix:
> I noticed the house was locked. 
> Why does it have a note saying that they are looking for a replacement? 
> They offered this house to me in exchange of doing my job properly and now after all these years, they are turning me out of this place.
Even just changing one of these things to an observation rather than saying what first makes it better. 
 >>/5423/
In chapter 5 I think you do it better too:
> Suddenly, I stepped over a different surface. Under my hooves, I noticed something metallic under my hooves and the feeling was completely different to what I was used to sense for a long time. My eyes opened up after feeling that difference and to my surprise, I found a ray of hope in this hollow part of Equestria:
“IT´S A RAILWAY! I´VE FOUND A RAILWAY! Someone must be living in the south, they must be there!” I exclaimed with absolute happiness.
I think this is fine. Your intorduction of the railway is much more organic and focused. He was in one location and was introducing facts weirdly like say:
> "Oh look, it's the southern railway! That must mean that I have found the legendary magic rail road from which I have know since foalhood when my Mom told me. Frankstienburgstan the city of my birth where the rails supposedly led too!" In one scream. So don't discard this entirely.

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 >>/5788/

 >>/5426/
 >>/5427/
This fic's strongest moment in writing I'd say is here.It conveys what Bluestar thinks he last moments perfectly. It feels very poetic  but not inorganic as good writing should. I love the spoilers at the end and it just adds a sense of atmosphere that just really made this two chapters feel. These chapters feel like they did what they needed. 
> Let each bubble of my breath remember with firmament , for honour and loyalty that I have been giving, guarantee me a worthy drowning and see everything that came and went.
I have to go back and check but one thing I think you have really improved on is using larger words and writing in a more professional way. There still is some awkward phrasing and grammar errors in some places when I looked but I believe you are starting to articulate well. Especially emotion. 

 >>/5435/
This chapter is second place. The flashback and dialog feel good enough on there own to highlight but I found this haunting:
 >>/5436/
> He stayed a little bit thoughtful and he said: >“BlueStar, it´s because Equestrians leave and no highway will bring them back”
It is really hard to explain why I like this because of this. I have ways to try to articulate this but I'm not sure how well I could get the meaning across. Let's just say that the flashback gives me a weird haunting feel with that quote. That random pony he probably will never see again. It is a feeling that I really like. A mix of /comfy/ and haunting that I'm not sure others or even you fully intended or would understand. It is actually may favorite part, but it is second place because I'm not sure how much of that moment is just me and my strange personal bias. 

One other note: By the time of Seaquestria the flow feels fine and your descriptive enough. In fact I went back and I think the main problem chapter is chapter 2 as most other things only feel like I sometimes run into a phrase or two were it could be worded better or a typo. The early chapters have the most in stuff like past and present tense issues but Chapter 2 is the only one that feels flawed enough to be substantially rewritten in my eyes. Were you rushing or was it that you were translating and got progressively better after a brief time of awkward?

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 >>/5787/
 >>/5788/
 >>/5789/ 
One last caveat: Take my advice with a slight caution. Why?
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/28840/1/the-sun-whispers-your-name/chapter-i-eternal-part-i
> A city. A gigantic metropolis sprawled out in front of her, tall, regal towers, sprawling plazas, elegant manors and great halls, all inter-connected by a labyrinth of roads, highways and streets, some of which had been suspended high above the buildings, mighty highways linking the towers together. A great wall ringed the metropolis, standing high and mighty in a proud gesture of strength. From the back, looking reminiscent of Canterlot with its marble walls and multi-towered structure glistening in the sunlight, a gigantic palace rose up with a great golden domed ceiling. Almost every building was decorated with silver or golden lining that swept along the marble like vines. Atop of the tallest towers, Twilight could see banners fluttering gently in a wind that she couldn’t feel.
In my earliest pre /endpone/ fic writing attempts I had this one strange flaw: I believed that I had to be overaly descriptive and write everything that was being seen at once. For example:
> She waited a few minutes, standing still in the knee high grass, scanning the sky for any sign of the midnight alicorn. The sky was a brilliant shade of cyan, devoid of even a single cloud. The sun was larger here than in Equestria.
The color of sky the wasn't introduced until a few lines later. It was being introduced as Twilight noticed this. When I was writing those years ago I would try to write everything that was in line of sight because I thought being descriptive meant writing every detail. It comes out very inorganic and strange. It was a stress to write because I was never sure what details to state first or what order to introduce descriptions. Till I payed close attention to some other fics but it is this fic where I realized that I was completely mistaken in how I did things. 

How is this relevant to you?

Because I could be wrong somewhere else and never known it and to reveal where I often think when it comes to such matters. Perhaps I am too still biased to over description in general. Besides that I literally misspelled 'grammar' in my first post on it!  >>/5787/

 Alas, my fics were rendered upon paper I can't find the ones that would really show what I did. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HMOVoq3npOU

Thanks a lot Bridgefag for the review. I'll have to dedicate a lot of time for replying to it properly and especially,the grammar posts were really needed. I knew that reading the fic all over again would show up my mistakes at translating it and indeed, I have noticed several typos as well.

Just to give you a hint before going deep into your review, the first chapters are meant to be a means to an end, the plot device,the excuse for developing the story. It's not only grammar the main flaw there but also there were certain confusions on how the protagonist can be led to the quest that would come later in the fic. Once that I managed to find the proper excuse, the adventure begins and the story found its way to the direction that I wanted to write about without forcing it. Keep in mind that the Seaquestria parts were the ones that I had planned because of the pictures in which Bluestar appears, trying to find the context behind them. It was truly tricky to put everything in its right place.

Anyway, do you know why I didn't name Stella like that back in 2018? Because I am not actually a creator nor I have used to a random pony generator in order to find a name for her. After all these years,I am still not the most fitting person for creating something out of nowhere. Instead, I am linking this song and you will find out that,not only the fic is ambiguous and poisoned....but also the cast itself hides its secrets. I said before that even the title is poisoned on purpose.

I wanted to reply something with value in it because I have to be grateful and appreciate the effort behind your posts. So here it is,one of the main secrets/influences behind this fic.

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 >>/5790/
The final notes:
1)The other fic that I wanted to find I don't remember the name of. The reason I took so much time looking for it is because I wanted to use it to contrast and compare on the story and themes as if I am recalling it correctly thought it could be interesting. It was a story of Twilight Sparkle going off on s journey to prove herself after she thought herself a failure for A Canterlot Wedding for the disaster that almost happened. The author reasoned that TS would more likely blame herself for failure and try to prove herself over being angry at her friends and family over not believing her like a lot of fics did. I don't remember all the details but I thought that theme of running away was both very similar and contrasting to this fic and the motivations of a pony running blind after a mistake. I may still do if I find it.

2): I almost thought was a slight cryptic feel that I thought was going on with some of the background implications towards the end but I wasn't sure. I didn't put it in the review because I felt like this review should be more of an assessment of quality and I could ask other questions afterward that where my curiosities. 

3)It was an interesting experience 
going through fics that I haven't read since pre-Twilicorn when looking for points of reference out of memory. Nostalgic yes but also like a happy continuation as I found several fics that I had forgotten and now may go ahead and read! 

4)One thing that I considered putting in but decided that it'd be best to leave out as I wasn't sure I would really being saying much more than "Some fics of around 10 to 20k in size are one shots, some split into chapters" was comparing your fic to other fics of that size in structuring of the story. If I could contribute something intelligent I would have had a section but I couldn't think of anything interesting  sans one fic that a slightly unusual structure that I remembered loving how it did. But it was a fic that was so complex on it's own that I probably should wait and bring it onto the table at an other time rather than trying to quote parts of it randomly. 

 >>/5791/
> Thanks a lot Bridgefag for the review. I'll have to dedicate a lot of time for replying to it properly and especially,the grammar posts were really needed. I knew that reading the fic all over again would show up my mistakes at translating it and indeed, I have noticed several typos as well.
Take your time. I've took awhile with this. Though it wasn't something that was too hard on me. More of me looking for things and thinking about it rather than actually typing it out when I finally (and slowly) did. 

> I wanted to reply something with value in it because I have to be grateful and appreciate the effort behind your posts. So here it is,one of the main secrets/influences behind this fic.
The link ain't working for some reason. Not showing up as an embed. Wonder why?

 >>/5792/
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=udna6-FxpU4

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https://youtube.com/watch?v=jeAD2R5DMuE

https://youtube.com/watch?v=tqT0UGdZrgU

it seems that the thumbnails don´t show up in both attempts on mobile. Let´s check if it works on PC...

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 >>/5794/
there we go, both links works perfectly (even though it is the same song)

 >>/5792/
> I almost thought was a slight cryptic feel that I thought was going on with some of the background implications towards the end but I wasn't sure
if you ONLY knew how much I have been hiding behind this story.... after having a bad experience for revealing too much, I am only sharing the secrets behind in this board. Otherwise, I could repeat those same mistakes and I don´t want to go through that experience again. 

I am not going to say them now but you were hinting at them quite properly with what you have written:

 >>/5789/
> I have ways to try to articulate this but I'm not sure how well I could get the meaning across. Let's just say that the flashback gives me a weird haunting feel with that quote.
you are aiming correctly here

 >>/5784/
> Random one off fics centered on OCs don't traditionally do too well as there is both a bad reputation and a lack of emotional connection with the character.
> Though the fact that he is just a random OC means that this one off on it's own wouldn't hold a lot of appeal to many people. 

 >>/5786/
> It's both a small meta reference and turning those shipping images into something usable for the fic.
and with these lines as well. You haven´t figured it out completely because I am not putting the intentions on the table so clearly but I must say that your suspicions already reveal what was intended in between the subtleties. 

> I do wonder if you are channeling a bit of sentimentality to your old fic and where you (and the board to an extent) are now. 
we´ll have to talk about this too. 

> The story of a falling out between a... middle aged (the fic suggests that he is somewhat older in years but he also seems pretty immature to me) guardpony's loss of a career, almost death and a self reflective redemption in a new land I presume must share some thematic elements with the story that inspired you.
well done, indeed something has inspired for the story and you have assumed pretty well that the age is one of the recurrent themes displayed throughout the fic. However, said theme doesn´t appear in the book which inspired me but instead, the feelings transmitted are what I have drawn from that source.  


I have concealed almost everything because I wanted to see the impressions by going blind to it. Instead of revealing them from the very beginning, I leave you wondering where I intended to go with this "exercise".

Though you are going to find out with the song (now properly linked) and further replies that the fic might have been more lighthearted in its execution, putting those influences under an "unclear disguise" of truth and ambiguity.....

...you will see...

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 >>/5794/
Yes they did work.
 >>/5795/
 >>/5797/
> you are aiming correctly here
This was the scene of the fic that stood out most personally to me. I had a suspicion with this moment and the lines at the end of some subtext that was hidden but I felt that I should separate my review from any speculation. 

> if you ONLY knew how much I have been hiding behind this story.... after having a bad experience for revealing too much, I am only sharing the secrets behind in this board. Otherwise, I could repeat those same mistakes and I don´t want to go through that experience again. 
I think I get it. Not 100% certain but I think I do...


And with that I'll get out of the way here. I'll let you get your words together first before I add anything else. Remember to take your time even if it means a non hasty reply.

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 >>/5799/
> I'll let you get your words together first before I add anything else. Remember to take your time even if it means a non hasty reply.
so this means that you want to hear what was behind the fic, right? Then I will have to show about my influences and how I have integrated them in the story while explaining the backstory and motivations behind this...

Just one advice for ya: 

Take a good (comfortable) seat and grab popcorn because this is going to be long, very long.

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 >>/5805/
It is your choice of what you are confortable with. Naturally I am curious. Both of the fic and your double layered reason for why you did it, but it seems a rather personal tale. As I said; do what you feel comfortable with.

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well, are you ready? I have managed to type what I wanted to post during this afternoon. Around 6k words behind the scenes of The Second Chance.

You are going to discover lots of surprises here...

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So, do you want to hear about the influences behind the fic? Well, you are in for a ride with these. 

The fic itself doesn´t seem to contain a complex story within it but the average reader might wondering about certain lines/parts that irk a little bit the thoughts at analyzing this story. I completely understand that because I have hidden them, hence I consider this exercise to be the most poisonous that I have written so far. Do you want to understand why?

Well, if one has to look at the fanfic, where should one start at digging deeper? There are certain innovation that didn´t appear at all in previous fics and one of them looks very apparent in the 7th chapter  >>/5426/. The words are in italics and they hold certain rhymes so the change of style in terms of writing and the mood makes this stand out more than the rest.

Here is where I introduce the influences of classic literature for the first time and we´ll have to go back to the 16th century (around 1581-1587) in order to understand why I decided to take that choice. I was reading that short book while I was going to college by bus and during those 30-40 minutes of waiting that I have to go through daily, I read this (it. As soon as I finished it, I was simultaneously writing in Spanish the 6th chapter of this fic. 

Let´s check what kind of story delivers this little book which has around 90 pages, a really short story....

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So here it is,ladies and gentlemen, before I go to influences from British and American musicians, the fresh influence that I introduce for the first time: The Siege of Numantia by Miguel De Cervantes, written around 1581-1587, a tragedy about the ancient city.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Siege_of_Numantia

Hold on, I know what you are thinking.  Is that the same Cervantes who wrote Don Quixote? Yes, he is, except that instead of visiting his all-time classic that I have had to read during my childhood and my teenage period, this tragedy isn´t all that widely known and it´s ironic because I have decided to check out if tragedies didn´t come only from the UK at that time and it´s true, this minor project was a real surprise.

Barely anyone knows that Cervantes tried to fit into the dramatic scene but he failed to find success there and only literature nerds (very few dedicated people) know that about that secret side of him. Not only that but he actually went further and wrote this historical tragedy. 

So, what does this little play offer? It consists in 4 acts, 4 days. Even though I have linked the overview of the book, I´ll try to sum it up for you:

Numantia is surrounded by Romans, whose general is tired of attempting the conquest of that city. Its citizens have turned out to be a huge annoyance in his progress and he is said to finish the task. He denies the diplomacy of the Numantines in the first act and instead of battling against them, the general decides to encompass the city. A few allegorical characters appear announcing that the Numantines are going to face a horrible fate and so it was bound to happen since that order from the general happened. 

Not only those allegories announce that fate but later in the story, it also happens that a little necromantic scene occurs with a dead body that gets revived for a while, enough time for him in order to warn a couple of Numantines about that fate.

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Now, you might start asking what this book about Romans has to do with this? A very good question, this book is quite old but it has a theme that surprisingly is really modern and surprisingly enough, it still holds up more than it should and it´s:

SUICIDE...AS AN ACT OF PRIDE 

What do the Numantines decide to do here? This is the way to solve it for them: 

> It is they who recommend a mass suicide, for, in this manner, they will not become enslaved to the Romans. It is the women, then, who impel Theagenes to carry out this fatal action, thus playing a key role in the tragic denouement.
> The city resolves to burn all their valuable property, to put their wives and children to death, and to throw themselves into the flames, lest any of the inhabitants of the town should become the slaves of the Romans.

They decide to throw themselves into the fire that the women set up for all of them. Instead of giving up, they use their pride to be patriotic and admit their destiny before they die out of hunger (three days had passed since they were encompassed). Only a kid remains in the last act but, watch out:

> the last youth left alive, commits suicide by throwing himself from a tower, the Roman general realizes that he cannot go home with slaves and spoil, and that the small city of Numantia has triumphed over the power of the Romans. 

He decided to throw himself from a tower in front of the general. The general couldn´t get his moment of glory and good press by using his sword so no Numantines were killed from the Romans, they all committed suicide before they could even begin. 

This whole thing sounds crazy and out of place right? Well, hold on a little bit…

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And now, how do I translate all of this into a fic meant for MLP? Well, look at chapters 6,7 and 8, especially the 7th one.  >>/5424/,  >>/5425/,  >>/5426/ ,  >>/5427/

The whole Spanish story might not have been transmitted because honestly, the setting doesn´t fit at all for this universe but... we could use its style and its themes. 

So, the whole book is written as narrated poetry and while not all the lines from the famous writer hit all that well throughout the entire thing (it has its flaws at rhyming), you can notice that the standards were there and so I was inspired to bring poetry explicitly for the first time. I wanted to expand this narrative for later chapters but it didn´t fit so it has been diminished and reduced only to strengthen the biggest climax of this story:  >>/5426/

When the protagonist stays on a rock, you can tell that he is feeling emotional about something that we can´t tell from the inside. So here is where I imply that past actions from him are paying off to this fate of ending up in the south coast without getting any prize whatsoever. 

If you read carefully, the whole act in the south coast consists in facing a death from a character that never was exemplary to begin with but he knows that he is trapped because of his circumstances. Don´t you notice lines of pride and patriotism for Equestria in the narrative before getting swallowed by the waves? Let me expose them:

 >>/5425/
> It´s time to dream and breathe this pure air for one last time. So be it my end with pride…
 >>/5426/
> I, BlueStar, royal guard of Equestria, was condemned by Cloud Zapper, whose abandonment was given to me with his bad temper, and treason I did in this magical land of Equestria!
> If it´s got to be, shallow me up today! This event that the past has wanted, it is what I have deserved; my sanity will remain in this way.

> If death is all I have as my guide, with this degraded golden armour, no griffon I will see, no duty I will get to receive, my glasses will accept its presence with pride.
> Let each bubble of my breath remember with firmament, for honour and loyalty that I have been giving, guarantee me a worthy drowning and see everything that came and went.
> This continent I have promised to defend, and if a cold death is approaching, in this strong wind I am affirming, I´ve arrived at a good age for this to end.

the whole thing offers a deeper and darker tone than the rest of the fic because for the first time, the protagonist admits his fate with a dignified death with all his will. Considering that he was a royal guard, he felt an actual change in his attitude but who was he fighting for? For the kingdom and as a soldier, he revives that piece of dignity with pride and a patriotic sacrifice while the tragedy was approaching to him.  

You can notice that this whole act is more suffocating and tragic because the reader is reading about an announced death with all the consequences taken into account.  Trust me, I have softened this part a lot and in order to make this part organic but one can tell that what lies beneath this story is much more tragic than it looks. Those little hints in the writing imply that this darker influence exists. 

This is the most experimental part and the one that got me out of my comfort zone and I was really worried how this whole thing would turn out. It is the first time where you can notice a change in terms of writing, adding up poetry and it almost feels....like a romantic moment, isn´t it? You would expect that the protagonist exposed his feelings towards a certain love or exposing his heart out looking for someone...



So this looks like Stella could have turned into his personal desire and this is where we jump into the songs...

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What are the origins of Stella anyway? In the picture, she doesn´t have any tag associated to her. Does this mean that I have used a random pony generator for her? Or maybe I modified the name of Sunburst´s mother (Stellar Flare) from the Parent Map? Actually, that isn´t the case and this origin defines subtly her character. 

Her name actually comes from a widely popular album that gets posted on /mu/ almost any day and has ended up in the Best Albums of the 2000s lists. Interpol´s Turn on the Bright Lights record from 2002 and the song selected for her name is obviously: Stella Was A Diver and She was Always Down.  >>/5794/

https://www.metrolyrics.com/stella-was-a-diver-and-she-was-always-down-lyrics-interpol.html

As soon as you check the lyrics, this all of a sudden feels much less innocent and yes, the singer is talking about a sex toy that fell into pieces but what connects the dots here is the correlation to the sea that I display out of context:

> At the bottom of the ocean she dwells
> She went down down down there into the sea
> She was all right 'cause the sea was so airtight, she broke away

And so, I decided to use that name from all the songs that I could have picked from the albums I like...so you can tell that her entire existence has also been softened in order to fit into a slice of life story. However, I portray another side of those lyrics into her character. Look at these lines:

> There's something that's invisible. There's some things you can't hide
> She knows there's people watching. The building fronts are just fronts, to hide the people watching her

Now, we go to the fic and what do we have here?

 >>/5430/
I am Stella; I am not very popular here in the kingdom. I am too much into my own thing so I wander around the surroundings quite often.
 >>/5437/
“I could also live independently as well but, considering that…barely anyone actually watches me going down here in the depths of the sea and given that I am not popular here, I have been feeling a little bit of warmth these days with you. It´s as though I don´t truly matter for them but I matter to you” she said.
I know that there are some things one can´t hide but I normally try to do it, yet I fail at doing that. Now you know why I like swimming around the surroundings instead of living in the mount” Stella confessed.

Do I need to add anything else here?

I think that these quotes have cleared up the doubts that I have defined her character around the song´s lyrics. I have been toying around the fact that she didn´t have a name at all and the fact that she hasn´t appeared anywhere else in Seaquestria by saying that she isn´t popular in her homeland. I have taken into advantage her OC nature and mix it up with the lyrics that her name implied for her character, exposing them in a seemingly innocent manner.

What a twist, huh?

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So if the entire existence of Stella has deceived everyone, one could easily imply that I could have done that for anyone else... and I did. The poisoned writing affects everything and the cast and the title itself show spread it is throughout the entire story.

If it hadn´t been because of  >>/5429/, I would have never written about them so this means that the pictures lead more the story than the OCs. 

In fact, look at  >>/5433/, the reason why I started this story in Canterlot. I decided to add Cloud Zapper to this story. In reality, unlike other stories and clichés about adding OCs for self-inserting the person behind them don´t arise here. Not even the protagonist is my only way to express myself here and it shows that all the characters involved are a means to an end for conveying certain feelings that don´t fall exactly into one of them.

I am going to reveal that I am not a writer nor I was meant to entertain with long stories of this kind before /endpone/ and I am not an artist either, I have no skills at drawing. Nonetheless, I have edited several pictures and connected several unrelated pieces into one uniform product that seems new. I said in the past that I act more like an electronic artist by using samples and place them correctly in order to work for another context. I am manipulating and I warned about the poisoned nature of this story.  

Anyway, do you believe that Bluestar was the only way to express myself because he is the narrator? Far from it and I even expose that I modifying the characters subtly in between the lines. The author reveals this in very specific lines that seem minor and irrelevant but reveal a lot more when you read the influences behind this story that he is using them as puppets:

Cloud Zapper in  >>/5421/
> “What could anyone expect from you? A guard that simply stares romantically at other guards or even passes time at imagining love stories with Twilight under the pseudonym named “Zephyr”? It´s no wonder that all of this would happen sooner or later despite keeping you in the charge after all these years.” He said with a sarcastic tone again.

A criticism to shipping OCs with canon characters. Ironically I write the premise that Stella and BlueStar are going to be a couple but we´ll see that later. However, I am posting  a couple of pictures about the original character who Cloud Zapper is referring to. You are seeing the practice of inserting OCs meant for ships and annoy the hell out of the fanbase, with commissioned images by the way. 

Novo in  >>/5431/:
> Novo said. “I admire your willingness and submission for this place despite not knowing how this will work out. Something is telling me that it´s not proper of me to do this drastic decision towards any individual” she continued.

meaning that she could be out of character for being more dictatorial or imposing her orders towards anyone for such a strange decision like desiring a permanent seapony form.

Stella in  >>/5438/
> “Why are you even worried about that? We mean nothing to them, it doesn´t matter. It´s all up to what you do in the end. No one is going to judge nor is going to interfere with us. 
> I am surprised that you weren´t like this in the past. If that painter was right, it would mean that the one BlueStar I have known doesn´t belong there…" Stella said.

meaning that they were meant to be a couple but something is preventing them from becoming that and noticing that the character that we have known isn´t exactly what has ended up acting in the end.


and finally...

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the protagonist. Boy, where do I start with this one? Chapters 4,5,6 expose him the most in general.

Not only we are left with those chapters but we could also add more references from songs that I like, right? Such as:

 >>/5421/
> https://genius.com/Ride-end-game-lyrics
> If this keeps happening, this whole room better be prepared because if that´s the game, of course we can play it.
meant for building up more tensions between Cloud Zapper and the protagonist. But wait, there is more.


Didn´t I mention at some point back in 2018 that it I loved a lot an album called "And Nothing Hurt" (from Spiritualized that was begging for being used as an inspiration for future works? Specifically we are talking about the first song called A Perfect Miracle, which I linked here  >>/5439/ and oh: Surprise! Surprise! I have used that song as well for announcing the fanfic with a clip of 15 seconds.  >>/5391/. 

Still, I haven´t finished yet with this song because we are going to toy with its lyrics as well, particularly in the last two chapters. We are repeating here the formula that I used for Luna and Novo´s stories posted in this same thread:

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/spiritualized/aperfectmiracle.html

 >>/5434/
> “So, all this means that we are never going to see ourselves again?” he asked.
> “Well, I´ve met someone else here and you should do it yourself” I responded.
 >>/5437/
> I might have seen lots of corrupted guards or fakers out there and in comparison to what I have experienced, you are the only mare I have met who is truly honest and true” I said.
> “You know, my mind is a mess 
 >>/5438/
> Who could even imagine sleeping here with calm surroundings like these? Sure, it´s not perfect but it´s close to dream up a perfect miracle, or at least, it was for the average pony until now.
> However, as the days pass I might not need that offer…I am slowly finding it less necessary in my eyes...
> So, commander… please don´t call…

> …please don´t call...

not only I have quoted them but I have deviated them so much from the songs context that they feel organic without noticing that I have quoted this song. I have used them for establishing Stella´s sincerity to her character and as inner thoughts from the protagonist towards the existence of Seaquestria and living a life there with Stella´s accompanying him from now on, leaving behind little by little his desire to go back to Canterlot.  This is what relieves the fic from the intense middle part and brings a romantic feeling in this story that makes it slice of life-ish (relatively) and plays more according to more mundane situations. 


However...

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you should take into account that I haven´t set this entire story up for a romantic story. It does convey the feeling that I am going to ship them and in the course of those two weeks living together, they have developed a connection between them. If we connect that the protagonist was regretting his past actions, delivering an image of a romantic character (apparently), the premise exposed on FimFiction and the cover image  >>/5429/, then we can perfectly conclude that this story was meant for shipping.  

Nonetheless, we cannot forget that I criticized before with Cloud Zapper this practice of shipping:
 >>/5421/
> “What could anyone expect from you? A guard that simply stares romantically at other guards or even passes time at imagining love stories with Twilight under the pseudonym named “Zephyr”? It´s no wonder that all of this would happen sooner or later ....

or even Bluestar himself accuses the commander for doing that with Cadence:
 >>/5421/
> “Who are you then for delivering exemplariness of honour and loyalty? If you Cloud Zapper kept a relationship in secret with Princess Cadence while we were replacing the Crystal army for a few days? 

so this...seems to go on a rough territory here. If there is any outsider who reads this story as the average fanfic meant for shipping characters and self-inserting OCs for autistic reasons. Be careful with that mindset beforehand because later on, we have lines as these where we expose that the protagonist is completely meaningless to this universe:

 >>/5426/
> Remember the loss of a character that never existed in this escape; inside the minds of a few I will live, no hope will be recovered for being naïve, proud for ending in this lonely yet beautiful landscape.

or even Stella:
 >>/5437/
It´s as though I don´t truly matter for them but I matter to you” she said.
 >>/5438/
Why are you even worried about that? We mean nothing to them, it doesn´t matter. It´s all up to what you do in the end. No one is going to judge nor is going to interfere with us.

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so the protagonist is actually doubting with himself and confused about living with her and Stella acknowledges the fact that she doesn´t matter either, she knows she is irrelevant as well, even to her own kingdom. This goes really meta and if that wasn´t all left to be exposed, watch this. Do you know that the protagonist wasn´t fetching her at all? Read this again:

 >>/5426/
> Those pleasures I enjoyed as a guard, paying for them in this rock I am, yet stability never comes and my lack of youth is helping at what I am about to become.
 >>/5427/
> After all, wasn´t this what I had desired back then during the holidays? Didn´t I say that I was really comfortable while I was laying back in the sea? I had life vest that was keeping afloat and I could enjoy those moments.
 >>/5434/
“I believe that…those pleasures won´t come back. I might have doubts about returning to Canterlot but that one surely won´t.” I affirmed.
 >>/5437/
“Look Stella, I hate to confess but you should that I have always been looking for myself and back then, when I was standing on the rock before getting carried over by those waves, I wasn´t doing it for love. I was looking for my pleasures and stability for the rest of my life…

This last line kills that mindset and it is said in front of her. It means a huge kick towards the pretense of taking this as another simple love story. The first chapter might give an impression of being a seemingly innocent story but things slowly build up from the 3rd chapter onwards to a wild ride of emotions.

It is shown several times that Stella wasn´t the objective but an accidental bonus, a partner for the protagonist. This also contradicts the wish fulfillments for certain sectors of the fanbase that desire to be with their waifu so badly. In this story, it´s in reverse: there isn´t any impulsive desire for getting one.

So, you would imply that this was about blind love when even the romantic part arises, the intentions from both aren´t all that easy to analyze for stereotyping this as a fic meant for shipping only, there isn´t enough clarity here to jump into those conclusions so easily.

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and what about the yellow pony of chapter 12? What´s the matter with him? It´s the only one that I haven´t mentioned yet and...you are about to be surprised. Take a laid back listen with this song called Random Rules from 1998 and let´s find out that...

https://youtube.com/watch?v=hBAVX1oslEM

by the point that you are listening to the 2:43 mark, you are about to hear very familiar words that appeared in the fanfic and represent a golden moment for this whole story in this post  >>/5436/:

> I asked the painter why the roads are colored black
> He said, "Steve, it's because people leave and no highway will bring them back"
> So if you don't want me, I promise not to linger. But before I go, I've gotta ask you, dear, about that tan line on your ring finger
> No one should have two lives. Now you know my middle names are Wrong and Right. Honey, we've got two lives to give tonight

The last two chapters were half improvised in the translation but for sure, the flashback of Manehattan was entirely built up just to say those lines and what´s worse, we don´t know if Bluestar is going to meet him again. Was he talking to the painter or with a ponified version of the singer? That vagueness is left to be  answered yet.

By this point, one would imply that the suicide tag was applied to Bluestar on chapters 7 and 8. That´s the legit conclusion one would say but the haunting lines that the painter said were perhaps his last words and I am taking a huge risk by revealing this influence for this story. It´s the biggest secret that this fanfic holds at its core and this could cost me a ban or controversies around the community. But oh well, I am ready to face the consequences.

 https://www.nme.com/news/music/david-bermans-death-ruled-as-suicide-2536927  

I discovered the music from Silver Jews/Purple Mountains last summer when he died and the song Random Rules was stuck in my head and I repeated it and huge amount of times without getting tired of it and his context is quite grim because he committed actual suicide (/mu/ offered a sticky thread for his death by the way). 

Here is why I am not going to reveal the influences on FimFiction because it could lead me into trouble and the metaphoric vagueness disguises this dark backstory behind the yellow pony character. I didn´t name him at all because he was supposed to be a minor influence yet I am announcing him in the last chapter.

In the end, what I have done here is that he was meant to carry a message here and it conceals more power than one believes at first sight...

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the lines of:

 >>/5436/
> He stayed a little bit thoughtful and he said: “BlueStar, it´s because Equestrians leave and no highway will bring them back”
were hinted in the season 9 thread as well. I acknowledged his music back when the finale was going to air:

 >>/4790/
> this felt like the proper moment to get ready and see all the achievements made before the fanbase leaves the highway and the likelihood of never coming back after the ending.
There it is.
so this line coming from him isn´t mine but a modified version that you would expect in Equestria and not from an IRL perspective. Here is where the whole meaning are explicitly naked and one could think about it in different ways:

Storywise: Bluestar finds out with that line from the painter that he was supposed to move on and life sooner or later would give him a different route. He ends up working as a guard of Seaquestria instead of staying in Canterlot. This is the canon one that any reader would conclude properly. 

Fanbasewise: The finale has aired and this fic was written in January 2020, the ride is over and the fans have no reasons to stay here anymore. Everything that has happened after October 2019 has been a bonus but slowly over time, people will move on, leave this ride behind and look for other purposes because there is nothing else to look forward that made MLP special. The decade is gone and the party ended up there. This is why no highway will bring us back to the franchise because the main reason to stay together has vanished and it´s no longer with us.

/endpone/wise: maybe I have used this fic to channel my thoughts and feeling about the progress of this board. Perhaps this story serves as an allegory of moving on, leaving /mlp/ behind and work with this side project since December 2017, without telling me what to do, going fully independent and having an overwhelming freedom about what could be done here. I still lurk on /mlp/ daily but I didn´t imagine that I would get this far and turning from a lurker to an active user here. The change has been huge and no one has told where to go next. 

When I wrote that green on mobile, I had fears about revealing myself and this thread as well. This fic was meant to represent an exercise to look at this board in hindsight and prove how much of this project has changed since then, gaining confidence, acquiring more skills  and finally, prove how the standards/mood have changed. This was the first story I wrote and I wanted to reflect that feeling of moving forward without anyone else. Here, in a wild board that could have gone anywhere and ended up at any point. Perhaps the title called Second Chance could simply another try for proving those changes with the same story, going from barely 1k words to 13k....

I still have a lot to learn yet and even grammar like you have pointed out needs more work but honestly, I didn´t expect at first to get this far, both in the story and on this board.

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and lastly, another factor why I have decided to write this fic has been this:

> I would strongly encourage you to to write. Maybe make that same style of posts but don't post them. Even if it brings some pain it would be better than forgetting who you are or letting it get canned up because someday something could one day pierce that and then it wouldn't be pretty.
I suppose that you Bridgefag would recognize these words from yours. The problem is that, after so many posts written here, what do I have to offer here? 

While I was writing this fic, I wasn´t all that convinced because there weren´t any urgent emotions to write it so this whole story has been written in a cold manner. This explains why in the first chapters I wasn´t all that comfortable about it, I had a certain reluctance because I was lacking in motivations to write it. I struggled to find a decent plot device just to have something to hold onto and justify the rest. As soon as I warmed up with the story I was writing, I started to rise the standards of writing and placing everything in its right place really subtly and so, the 3rd chapter starts to escalate the implications and influences.

 Also, you said this:

 >>/1562/
> Your first early stuff would probably be a 6 range to me, not out of anything wrong but that it was just a simple little story. I think you Radiance fic is centianly above 8 for sure, along with this one. 
well, time is a funny thing, you know? I don´t know if it´s currently a 6 for you but this remake has made you think more than you expected back then. Maybe that first attempt had left you indifferent back then but, are you going to be sure about feeling indifferent about this one?

I have also used the theme of age in this fic and it´s because kids have been calling me sir...when I am in my 20s. I am not saying that I am an elder person but I am feeling less energetic than the previous years I have lived in the past. It clashes to hear that I am feeling older towards a certain generation when I haven´t grown up all that much yet I know that certain aspects like the innocence, the lack of finding anything that surprises me or the huge energy that a child displays...I realize that I cannot offer that anymore. 

Perhaps that explains why I want to feel comfortable and take this life in a more laid back manner. I know it won´t happen and things are going to be rough in the future but at least, I am trying to find where my limits are.

So this story has influences of classic literature, four songs with backstories, /endpone/, the image cover, the fact that it was written after the finale….all of that bottled up in a simple linear story but instead of revealing them so explicitly, I have placed them strategically in order to find a balance and something organic, while channeling personal thoughts at certain points.

It´s no wonder that one would find pretty hard to judge this story. It needs to be revised in grammar I know and the first two chapters make it seem generic. Nonetheless, that innocence is lost whenever one enters into the 3rd chapter onwards. This fic is incredibly backloaded and won´t probably appeal many fans out there, not that I care all that much.
 
These are OCs and it implies shipping from the image itself so it was doomed from the start. As soon as one digs deeper into it, one would know that the fic arises lots of questions or little lines of confusion but they won´t prevent from following the main linear story.  

There is more miscellaneous stuff to reveal but as for the main influences that I wanted to bring on the table, I believe that this is more than enough.

Hope that you have enjoyed this experience (both the story and the influences).



L23

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There you have the main influences and secrets behind The Second Chance. 

phew, near 6k words in one single afternoon, my goodness.  One would imply that a fic around OCs would be easy to judge and assume that autism would be found all over the place but... look at what you´ve got here. Perhaps I have given a lesson (..or two..) with this experience. 

I will have to reply to your review properly and revise the chapters but for now, I don´t think that I have to type anything else, right? I mean, if this isn´t entertainment for you during this quarantine, tell what it is...  

Well, I am closing the curtains for this thread tonight.

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 >>/5827/
*I forgot to add one more thing here.

Keep in mind that I hadn´t written anything since 2018 so one of the reasons behind this was that I needed to deliver something. The problem relied on the fic that I wanted to write about.

After seeing that you, Bridgefag,were writing fics of higher standards with The Mare in The Mountain or the fic about Cosmos, I had a sense of unfinished business and give a turn with something fresh with all the changes that have been made here. So I wanted to go back and make a little comeback by reviving this thread.

It´s ironic that I inspired you with the fics I had delivered in 2018 and then, you brought that inspiration later in 2019. In exchange, it was about time to return the delivery with 13k words and force you to make you think more than usual...and understandably so because I have been hiding all this stuff behind the scenes.

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 >>/5828/
Closing the curtains indeed! Rest. I will be working on my reply to this. Because I am replying to the complex inspiration to art with a hint of subversion...

> and understandably so because I have been hiding all this stuff behind the scenes.
and to what you have revealed about yourself. For you did reveal something that explains a lot   don't worry! Nothing that makes me see you in a negative light at all.  Such a reply may take a bit of time. 

In the meantime have this song:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=ia2aoTYY9PI

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 >>/5833/
> In the meantime have this song
well, I must admit that despite the constant rhythm throughout its entirety, it´s not hard to see that the lyrics rhyme and stand as the strongest point of the song with the words succeed, need, misused and confused; thrown in those 4 lines in a row. 

Also: 
> Harmony rewritten out of sight
> What can I do to bring you back
> My technicolor world has faded to black
simply excellent. 

What is certainly hilarious in hindsight is that, if they didn´t tell me that this was inspired by the season 3 finale (I´ve got to find a way), with these lyrics:

> Wake up now and see the truth,I'm here to show the world to you
> The way it was meant to be,So follow your destiny
> This twisted future isn't right,Let's bring the real you to the light
> I'm going to make you realize, So open your eyes

> Broken your life and who you are, I'm afraid I've left a terrible scar. But apologies won't save me now
I would imply from these words alone that Tempest would be singing them in the movie, the song´s title doesn´t help at getting rid of the confusions and the beat is strong enough to fit more for the unicorn of the broken horn than coming from Twilight´s perspective .   Bonus points for predicting the movie and getting a boost of views while visiting in hindsight.

So yeah, it has entertained me more than I expected even though I am still unaware of MLP´s music scene from the fanbase in general.

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 >>/5833/
> I will be working on my reply to this.
and I know that at some point I will have to do the same but I prefer to do that all at once. 

> Because I am replying to the complex inspiration to art with a hint of subversion...
you have realized that this process was more complicated than the story shown by itself without telling anything.

> Such a reply may take a bit of time
 a few hours yeah

> For you did reveal something that explains a lot 
it is a recurrent theme in the story, just that there are other aspects to analyze from it. The overload of events, implications or subtleties make it seem minor, overshadowing personal stuff and becoming more integrated and natural for those who could judge the story.

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I should have left the link of the fic in this post  >>/5439/

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/459743/the-second-chance

Better late than never, I guess (though it needs a technical revision)


PD: Going a little bit off topic here, Bridgefag, it's worth to dedicate your time for judging with more depth the fixfic of SivC instead of analyzing deeply the lovebat green (I wrote that text spontaneously that night,it was meant for presenting the picture I had drawn so the reveal would be more special than posting it directly)

SivC has caused a great impact on the fanbase with that fic and still keeps producing more content for the fans. I believe that it deserves more time. 


With that said, sleep well and have a good night, /endpone/

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 >>/5840/
I have been planning to do something special with SiVC's for awhile. It does need a more hardcore look. Though I will be going about it a bit more casually do to other projects of mine. 

PoLS 

God bless, Goodnight and sleep tight /endpone/!

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 >>/5842/
> It does need a more hardcore look. 
indeed, especially when we are talking about one of a kind. It´s quite possibly one of those cases in which a fan rebels against the franchise in a more productive way instead of making noise all the time, so much that even those who don´t agree can also enjoy his product. So yeah, it will require more time and analysis. 

> Though I will be going about it a bit more casually do to other projects of mine
> projects
you leave me wondering here 

> PoLS
same here

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 >>/5815/
 >>/5816/
 >>/5817/
 >>/5818/
 >>/5819/
Wow that certainly is a bit more complex than I thought. As I said I did detect some cryptic or greater meanings, particularly with the the end and the scene with the painting but I was way off I think on my internal speculation. My thoughts were that whatever work itself was something to do with an exiled military leader or noblemen, not
> The Siege of Numantia by Miguel De Cervantes, written around 1581-1587, a tragedy about the ancient city.
> Hold on, I know what you are thinking. Is that the same Cervantes who wrote Don Quixote?
Never knew of this book. Though I consider myself not much of an established fiction reader so I'm not sure it means much.

My suspensions with the story was that it was at least in part referencing some past tragedy IRL. When you posted the song I thought: "Wow, he is talking about a lost friend or lover". I know the song was sexual and slightly dark but I've known that you used songs just based on the tone rather than the exact lyrical meanings.


> Well, if one has to look at the fanfic, where should one start at digging deeper? There are certain innovation that didn´t appear at all in previous fics and one of them looks very apparent in the 7th chapter  >>/5426/. 
> The words are in italics and they hold certain rhymes so the change of style in terms of writing and the mood makes this stand out more than the rest.
I did notice but I didn't think too much of it. I thought it was used well for dramatic effect as Bluestar. I probably should've directly mentioned in my review.

> SUICIDE...AS AN ACT OF PRIDE
Mass suicide? Dark. I remember in my past having some dark concepts so I can get drawing on it. This is actually a bit more complex with how it used its inspiration.  
> the whole thing offers a deeper and darker tone than the rest of the fic because for the first time, the protagonist admits his fate with a dignified death with all his will. Considering that he was a royal guard, he felt an actual change in his attitude but who was he fighting for? For the kingdom and as a soldier, he revives that piece of dignity with pride and a patriotic sacrifice while the tragedy was approaching to him. 
It was the impulse, the feeling and the act that you were trying to transmit, not the plot. That is where I was wrong in my thoughts. I thought this fic from the way you described it was lifting a bit of a plot from somewhere directly.

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 >>/5821/
 >>/5822/
 >>/5823/
 >>/5824/
So what see here is some pretty complex reasoning on OCs. The way you talk makes it look like you ruminated on the subject for awhile. From what I can gather:
OCs are puppets to the writer Your use of the pictures and comments on this point I took for more of joking/using what you had with the pics you had. Nope. This itself had serious thought and was an attempt at meta commentary on the nature of OCs

They are meaningless to the universe
So you are looking at the meaning of OC. What I take it is a slightly critical but sympathetic look at their plight. It is an attempt at examining the nature of them. They both have some freedom as well...

This was an attempt to subvert a normal shipfic
He never got her. He may even intent to not love again under trying to find a sense of duty. Pretty deep TBH. Though I am uncertain if it was me simply being dense I am not sure if the fic itself reflects this fully well:
 >>/5438/
“I know it, Stella, I know…Goodnight honey” I said.
“Sleep well, dear” Stella responded.
Your use of honey and dear especially makes them look like a couple here. 

This is some extremely meta reasoning, I'm not sure if it is fully transmited in your story but I am actually impressed with your motivations and inspirations for this.

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 >>/5827/
> indifferent back then but, are you going to be sure about feeling indifferent about this one?
No. Reading it twice and than reading this makes me feel a lot of things, but indiffence isn't one of those feelings. 

> It´s no wonder that one would find pretty hard to judge this story. It needs to be revised in grammar I know and the first two chapters make it seem generic. Nonetheless, that innocence is lost whenever one enters into the 3rd chapter onwards. This fic is incredibly backloaded and won´t probably appeal many fans out there, not that I care all that much.
Here as it is, no, but...

 >>/5821/
> by using samples and place them correctly in order to work for another context.
You have gone past the point here. This reasoning is as complex as stories like Enteral or The Star in Yellow. Is the fic as good as those, no. But the groundwork I think is there for something good. I think you have it within you to weave such themes. Should you ever decide touch this again I'd highly recommend you run with some of this. 

If I have to choose one critique: 
needs more poison. Not nessinarily a lot more but the subtexts were at times too far that without context I have no idea. Like, with the moments it stood out the most it was a gentle breeze, but for some of the OC meta context and deeper musings I probably would not have guessed without you telling me. I do not mean to say bash it on the head but letting a little bit more shine through could be helpful for a more interesting read for others. 

One final note: 
> I know that certain aspects like the innocence, the lack of finding anything that surprises me or the huge energy that a child displays...I realize that I cannot offer that anymore. 
So was that why he felt both young and old with some lines?

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 >>/5887/
> My thoughts were that whatever work itself was something to do with an exiled military leader or noblemen
watch out, you aren´t that far off from a reasonable interpretation. Don´t simply ditch what you have thought in its entirety because the noble aspect is shown when the protagonist awaited his death. I have posted the influences just to open up more interpretations of this fic but it doesn´t prevent at all from concluding "canon" thoughts that story by itself displays. 

 >Though I consider myself not much of an established fiction reader so I'm not sure it means much.
neither do I. I simply checked it out almost accidentally because I wanted to check if it turned out to be true that there were tragedies written before than historians imply while checking the past. It was actually true so I wanted to reflect something out of it just to prove that I have acknowledged it this year.

> that it was at least in part referencing some past tragedy IRL.
well, you had got that before I revealed it.

> "Wow, he is talking about a lost friend or lover"
I have the fortune to not have lost important members of my family to this day (*touches wood) and despite sounding like a romantic protagonist in his desperation...

> I've known that you used songs just based on the tone rather than the exact lyrical meanings.
the poison arises and the effects come to reality. However, I leave a clue to the song I am referencing (but it´s so subtle that I have to reveal them)

> I thought it was used well for dramatic effect as Bluestar. 
if it hadn´t been because of the vagueness and the poisoned text, you would have completely got it from the beginning. But that´s only a part of its justification that adds up momentum to the poetical moment. 

> Mass suicide? Dark. I remember in my past having some dark concepts so I can get drawing on it. This is actually a bit more complex with how it used its inspiration.
I see that you understand why this fic has darker holes implied beneath its seemingly innocent lines. I couldn´t use the setting from Numantia so I simply went for its themes (too dark for MLP, I wouldn´t reasonably reach that far, it would detour too much from the slice of life nature) and the narrated poetry. As for suicide, the tag is justified because of that moment alone and while its seemingly dramatic, throwing an entire society to the fire and the last youth from the top of a tower....doesn´t sound like the inspiration is much better, isn´t it?

> It was the impulse, the feeling and the act that you were trying to transmit, not the plot. 
> I thought this fic from the way you described it was lifting a bit of a plot from somewhere directly.
keep in mind that I had all the gallery prepared before writing the story itself and that part of the fic does take up the green from 2018, just that I wanted to justify its plots device and how the reunion with Stella would happen. The original images (particularly  >>/5425/  >>/5429/) were the actual objective. Everything else was meant for adding more significance to those events. I simply intensified more the context behind them and that meant a blank card for all these influences I have collected here.

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 >>/5888/
> The way you talk makes it look like you ruminated on the subject for awhile
well, I am not exactly an expert. Just that after surfing on the internet so much and seeing tons of fan content, I have understood with a more open mind why they exist as a concept and how people put them in practice (at least, I am aware of the most redundant clichés of introducing OCs) but I am not all that deep into the matter. But yes, the fic is so poisoned that you are not going to find a shipfic as expected but a subtle criticism that is roaming in certain parts of the story.

> This itself had serious thought and was an attempt at meta commentary on the nature of OCs
eeeyup and on top of that, criticizing  the uselessness that the royal guards have offered for the entire series and getting fired. This combination could be utterly devastating for the character and so it was written in that way for reaching the 7th chapter.

> He may even intent to not love again under trying to find a sense of duty. Pretty deep TBH.
eeeyup. The intentions were ambiguous and those little detail mark what could lead to very different interpretations.

> Your use of honey and dear especially makes them look like a couple here.
very good point there. I must say that part of chapter 10 and the last two chapters were written in a more spontaneous way during the translation to English. In fact, it took me the entire night (from 10 pm to 2 am)  to write the whole conversation between Stella and Bluestar in an organic (and apologetic) way, repeating more or less the formula that I used for Celestia and Luna when they were confessing among themselves  >>/1483/. I put those words because they come from the fact of that warmth that they have built together but not because they were meant to be together desperately. 

And we don´t know if they are going to live together all the time so even if they are a couple, I leave that in the air, in the middle of tones of grey. The ship might happen, don´t get me wrong, but something else would have to occur in order to reinforce that attachment...

> This is some extremely meta reasoning, I'm not sure if it is fully transmited in your story but I am actually impressed with your motivations and inspirations for this.
Even if I could, I wouldn´t be capable to express everything because I would slip off the nature of MLP way too much. The most impressive thing about it is that you haven´t mentioned once that this feels out of place from this universe nor that it wouldn´t work as slice of life material. Taking into account all these influences, I believe that making them organic and integrating them subtly have made all this collage look like a simple linear story to follow instead of displaying a story with random explicit inconsistencies out of nowhere.  Sure, you understandably struggled to see the entirety of what was intended to express but as for the story in general, I have tried not to mess it up with all the material exposed so you wouldn´t have any considerable troubles to follow it.

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 >>/5889/
> No. Reading it twice and than reading this makes me feel a lot of things, but indiffence isn't one of those feelings.
then I am satisfied after reading this.

 >>/5827/
> indifferent back then but, are you going to be sure about feeling indifferent about this one?
No. Reading it twice and than reading this makes me feel a lot of things, but indiffence isn't one of those feelings.

> It´s no wonder that one would find pretty hard to judge this story. It needs to be revised in grammar I know and the first two chapters make it seem generic. Nonetheless, that innocence is lost whenever one enters into the 3rd chapter onwards. This fic is incredibly backloaded and won´t probably appeal many fans out there, not that I care all that much.
Here as it is, no, but...

 >>/5821/
> by using samples and place them correctly in order to work for another context.
You have gone past the point here. This reasoning is as complex as stories like Enteral or The Star in Yellow. Is the fic as good as those, no. But the groundwork I think is there for something good. I think you have it within you to weave such themes. Should you ever decide touch this again I'd highly recommend you run with some of this.

If I have to choose one critique:
needs more poison. Not nessinarily a lot more but the subtexts were at times too far that without context I have no idea. Like, with the moments it stood out the most it was a gentle breeze, but for some of the OC meta context and deeper musings I probably would not have guessed without you telling me. I do not mean to say bash it on the head but letting a little bit more shine through could be helpful for a more interesting read for others.


> So was that why he felt both young and old with some lines?
in theory, I wanted to reflect the theme of age for adding up a layer of connection to the protagonist, feeling tired of hectic ambients and looking for his own place. The inconsistency however is that as a youngster, I am kind of like delivering lessons that old people could have without having experienced them for myself. The emotions feel proper from a young adult but the logic displayed during and after his death (especially in the last chapters) resembles more of a tired character in his attitude.

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 >>/5889/

> You have gone past the point here. This reasoning is as complex as stories like Enteral or The Star in Yellow.
> Is the fic as good as those, no. 
obviously I am not looking forward to be crowned as the greatest revelation nor anything like that but it´s true that I wanted to bring more meaning or layers to OCs that no one cares about but I force the reader dig deeper into them while also delivering hints of the actual meta roots to where those subtleties come from.
> But the groundwork I think is there for something good. I think you have it within you to weave such themes. Should you ever decide touch this again I'd highly recommend you run with some of this.
thanks and yes, there is a recurrent pattern that has arisen every single time I try to write something and these subversions simply aid me to intensify and twist the ideas. 

Will I write a story about these two?....I don´t know.

> If I have to choose one critique:needs more poison. Not nessinarily a lot more but the subtexts were at times too far that without context I have no idea. Like, with the moments it stood out the most it was a gentle breeze, but for some of the OC meta context and deeper musings I probably would not have guessed without you telling me. I do not mean to say bash it on the head but letting a little bit more shine through could be helpful for a more interesting read for others.
wow that critique is weird as hell to hear.  How am I supposed to reach this again? I´ll have to take notes from literature or something just to hold up to these standards. Still, these influences are exposed because other fans could also get a few ideas how such apparently mild lines among the text could imply such outlandish concepts at their core. It has been quite an experience to show both the story and the material used because both parts complement each other for the experience, exclusively on /endpone/ for now. 

And I am going to be honest with my intentions here Bridgefag: considering that you were aiming high with Cosmos and Cadence as a bat pony, I had that sense that I would need to impress you after such a hiatus for me in writing anything. And as I said earlier, quantity doesn´t equal quality so I decided to post one single story but filled with lots of things behind. 

I have to confess that I have enjoyed every single thought that you have typed here because not only I was looking for feedback or an objective commentary, but also trying to impress you and delivering a lesson or two with this experience. You have had conclusions that were quite close to its intended meaning so the fic did its job at being "understandable" but in reality, the comparison was just the proof that I can offer something in this post gen 4 era without appealing just to emotions in order to write something meaningful. 

It won´t satisfy outsiders nor many people out there but it was more an exercise that I felt like finishing for this board.

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 >>/5913/
> ow that critique is weird as hell to hear. How am I supposed to reach this again? I´ll have to take notes from literature or something just to hold up to these standards. 

What I mean is that there were some meanings that I could've only guessed at with the context you provided here. You hid them, a goal of yours I know, but to the point where you didn't explore them. I do not mean that you need to go find some other deeper works and make a fic with an even deeper reasoning behind it. I mean that next time you should consider exploring some of these themes more freely. You don't have to overdose it but say enough to get the reader mouth to tingle. I understand why you'd want to hide somethings but others (like the existentialism of OCs) would benefit from a bit of light shined upon it. 

> I had that sense that I would need to impress you after such a hiatus for me in writing anything

And I came into this thinking it was a practice fic with possibly some meaning behind it.You did impress me.

Though you don't need to next time. It is always good to challenge ones self to advance. But also don't get lost in trying to aim for a constant upward attempt of quality. Practice, go on a limb and experiment. Remember freedom and have fun too, not every story has to be a level higher than the last. I strongly encourage you to consider taking it to the next level, not now, not tommorow, someday .  It also probably good to practice before you try it.

...but I honestly believe that you have it within you to craft a tale that could be good, or at least, interesting. It doesn't have to be about these two or even the themes here. You could weave something else altogether from different influences. It would do ya some good to check out the Star in Yellow  Enteral, from what I remember of it, is a more complex tale set in an out of date future that would be less of your liking though still worthy of talking about at a future date.  As I said before, It too was loosely inspired by an old book but twisted into its own messages and themes.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/5713/The-Star-In-Yellow

> but in reality, the comparison was just the proof that I can offer something in this post gen 4 era without appealing just to emotions in order to write something meaningful. 

I think you did. You took stories to the next level. 

> It won´t satisfy outsiders nor many people out there but it was more an exercise that I felt like finishing for this board.

It still counts as practice for any future stuff should you choose too. Though right now I suggest you rest and I'll see what I can cook up.

I have one further thought but it'll take me awhile to find examples so I may take it to the fic thread later.

 >>/5944/
> You took stories to the next level.
You took your stories to the next level is what I meant.

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Well, this thread...I haven´t been capable to deliver any activity and as anyone would tell, it shows that Bridgefag and I were unexpectedly running this board (even though the polish BO owned /endpone/ behind the scenes). The levels of insecurity were quite high and the sheer audacity  I had for opening this thread could have backfired badly and we could have ended it up here.Nowadays, I wouldn´t have opened a thread of this kind in such a reckless manner where I would type a personal blog that could be a target for anyone to complain about my views. I consider myself fortunate to not have been the case for it, considering the nature of this format. Huge respect to those who have been lurking and waiting for me so I could naturally develop this thread.

I guess that the best thing that could have happened to this thread was the transition from starting it as an opinion about the evolution of this fanbase to stories/short fics that would enrich the content displayed over here. Today, I want to deliver something small after so much time of inactivity.

The clip I am sharing here shows the same style as this one  >>/5391/. It is (or was) meant to be used as an announcement for the sequel of  >>/5439/ called The Second Reunion, settled right after the events of The Second Chance. However, I only managed to make this clip and write the whole scheme of events for the story (2-3 pages). This idea was planned amidst the spring confinement (during late April) but I never truly trusted on what I was thinking about at the time. 

While I have always had the idea how the story should go as a whole, I never put myself into it because I would need to keep up with the level of writing that I had shown in the last fic and later on, I would run into many problems that would hinder my mental/emotional stability. When I wrote The Second Chance, everything had been more or less kept in an apparent solid line, personally speaking. However, life is full of twists and this year has turned out to be more of a rollercoaster for me in general . Many aspects of my life have been changing throughout the last 11-12 months and I will need my time to go back to that state where I find myself at the same line (or better than) I was placed back in January 2020. 

Does this mean that there won´t be any sequel? A sequel cannot be discarded at all but I truly wonder how it will turn out in terms of quality (if I properly get into it at all)

I wanted to prove that this thread could get a little bit of life. One cannot close the door to anything and thus, I want to leave it slightly open, just in case...

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 >>/7627/
>  I consider myself fortunate to not have been the case for it, considering the nature of this format. Huge respect to those who have been lurking and waiting for me so I could naturally develop this thread.
At the time, we were the only folks here. I understand both refraining opening a thread like this now and opening a thread like this back then, still it is great how it got to evovle.

> This idea was planned amidst the spring confinement (during late April)
2020 I presume?

> I never put myself into it because I would need to keep up with the level of writing that I had shown in the last fic and later on, I would run into many problems that would hinder my mental/emotional stability.
Quality versus letting the emotion flow, plus life stuff putting a damper upon it. I can completely understand that. I mean, coming from someone who has several incomplete fics sitting for here, stuff can get in the way.

> 
Does this mean that there won´t be any sequel? A sequel cannot be discarded at all but I truly wonder how it will turn out in terms of quality 
I think perfectionism should not alone dampen any spark of creativity you have. A worry of performance can only paralyze you, 

> (if I properly get into it at all)
Though a lack of desire is something different. If you don't have the desire, then don't worry...

but if you do, perhaps reading a fic or two maybe in order  Maybe I'll recommended one 

> One cannot close the door to anything and thus, I want to leave it slightly open, just in case...
And I reach in ever so slightly, ready to withdraw my hand but just as ready to step through...

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 >>/7632/
> At the time, we were the only folks here. I understand both refraining opening a thread like this now and opening a thread like this back then, still it is great how it got to evolve.

indeed. I could have become the laughing stock and an easy target for any reply that could shatter the whole thing completely (the first 10 replies). I realized that when I posted on a precarious mobile phone in the morning, I envisioned that the worst things could have popped up over here. If I had had an account on social media, I could have become the public idiot of my persona (which would have been even worse)

It was a strange dynamic in which I had thought that there were more people participating who could have got involved but in reality, I was writing to the same person after all and I was imagining mirages that weren´t actually here. I didn´t even dare to see your replies at the time and it cost me months to even face them. 

It felt like opening a can of worms, even though throughout the show discussion threads I have displayed the same points but with a more fleshed out laid -back approach (thus, these same points feel more digestible and less harsh). At the time, this felt as if I were breaking a barrier that I wasn´t meant to break and it could have gone horribly wrong. I deeply appreciate that it didn´t happen to be that way and in the end, I realize for myself what I wrote and how this "project" (initially a blogpost) could be solved with a different direction and sustain it with other mediums. 

And here we are: same place, same tone but with a different perspective...

> 2020 I presume?
yep.  The greatest amount of time in which I got to think about it was during the confinement. /endpone/ served me as a bubble to disconnect from the pandemic and forget about the fact that I wouldn´t be able to get out of the flat for two months unless that I went shopping for basic stuff. Draconian measures that could have driven me crazy and the fear was strong and intense during the first wave around here. Fortunately enough, I didn´t transmit those vibes over here for the most part.

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 >>/7632/
> Quality versus letting the emotion flow, plus life stuff putting a damper upon it. I can completely understand that. I mean, coming from someone who has several incomplete fics sitting for here, stuff can get in the way.

I am one of those who doesn´t like incomplete things. Once I start doing something, I prefer ending it completely and move onto something else. There is something quite dangerous about writing with emotions because one should regulate them and place those intentions with much more balance. There are always temptations to put your hands on it and then, regret it later. 

There are also a few problems with this story: I actually don´t know the characters. Seriously, I have to read the story all over again and learn what I have written and what are the actual traits that you can extract from them as if I were a random reader instead of approaching them as the author, hence a 2nd part that feels organic without deviating them from their traits looks complicated.  

I am not all that familiar with getting a character with the exact same traits all the time. That is to say, I could make them sound out of character out of nowhere because of the lack of knowledge related to their behaviors displayed on the story and cause a huge mess for those people who hold the character development as their main preference. 

Regardless of what I say, thanks for displaying empathy here.

> I think perfectionism should not alone dampen any spark of creativity you have. A worry of performance can only paralyze you
yeah...but I wasn´t meant to take any responsibilities on creating fan stuff anyway. I don´t consider myself a writer or content creator...mostly because I don´t want to promise anything beforehand. I just wanted to bring a sense of openness for continuing this story but that doesn´t mean that it needs a sequel desperately. 

I have admitted many times that what I deliver and people call ""creative"" is just a bunch of pieces that are simply put together and I simply try to make them seem organic, as if they were meant to fit in this context. Nothing else. If the story has managed to feel as an organic MLP story with all the inspirations that I have decided to gather for it, then that´s a success in my eyes.

> Though a lack of desire is something different. If you don't have the desire, then don't worry...
I haven´t needed to write about this. I wanted to share something for my birthday and liven up this thread so it doesn´t feel completely dead after so much time without getting any replies. 

> but if you do, perhaps reading a fic or two maybe in order Maybe I'll recommended one
You mean the Star in Yellow, right? Perhaps I might take something out of them just to deliver something different and keep things varied. In this regard, I have no one else to blame except myself. I have been pretty reluctant when it comes to the consumption of fan content. I know the overview of this fanbase and that X content exists out there but I don´t tend to dive into the content itself all that often. This mindset that I have held doesn´t exclusively apply to MLP though. 

> And I reach in ever so slightly, ready to withdraw my hand but just as ready to step through...
Thanks. For now, let´s keep it open but as I said 3 years ago:  >>/656/  Nothing is planned and I can't promise anything.

I go back to the same point over and over again but for prudent reasons this time around. Whatever path is taken in the end, I will try to not regret it in hindsight...

 >>/7685/
> I could have become the public idiot of my persona (which would have been even worse)
I guess you'd then be called LOL23.

> , I was writing to the same person after all and I was imagining mirages that weren´t actually here.
My first thought of this was me and a bunch of cardboard cut outs  Though BO was there... watching us 

> (thus, these same points feel more digestible and less harsh).
A lot of things can come down to tone and presentation. Two people can make totally the same point and the meaning be lost with one. 

> . /endpone/ served me as a bubble to disconnect from the pandemic and forget about the fact that I wouldn´t be able to get out of the flat for two months unless that I went shopping for basic stuff
/endpone/ was for me two in a way, a outlet, a distraction and in a odd sort of way, a shelter. Not just during this, but also before, for my own various IRL stuff  like the death of my grandparents   

> And here we are: same place, same tone but with a different perspective...
It's creepy how my life was completely different when this was first wrote, and yours too. Different perspective indeed. 

 >>/7686/
>  I were a random reader instead of approaching them as the author
I'll have to give this a reread before I can comment on that. 

> doesn´t mean that it needs a sequel desperately. 
I understand. 

> I have admitted many times that what I deliver and people call ""creative"" is just a bunch of pieces that are simply put together and I simply try to make them seem organic, as if they were meant to fit in this context.
That can be the essence of creativity though. A lot of things are stitched together or incrementally improved over completely new. Heck, FiM itself may count as that. I don't think you should view yourself as a "content creator" or fiction writer but I think you shouldn't be dismissive of anything you could do because of it. 

> You mean the Star in Yellow, right? Perhaps I might take something out of them just to deliver something different and keep things varied.
Yes.  A couple actually  Your fic isn't the Star in Yellow, but you had a certain... how do I put it, dream haunting feeling that, regardless of it's flaws (I do want to reevaluate my analysis)  awed me a little for reminding me of that feeling.  Also, it is loosely inspired by a obscure story old story 

> Nothing is planned and I can't promise anything.
Roger  Roger.